Another step forward in my spiritual walk....

So we all know from my last few posts I've been facing some interesting challenges in my life.

Another challenge that i haven't really talked about had "come to a head" so to speak. Then was addressed in a surprisingly pleasant way.

I've talked about my new Christian friends, and my frustrations with being their friend. Frustrations that, in a surprising turn, were really my fault!

One thing that DH and I have been concerned about lately is not feeling fed or uplifted after leaving church. When we first began about 2 years ago - we felt energized and refreshed after every Sunday.

Over the course of the last 6 months or so it hasn't been that way. We were not so surprised to find that many others felt the same way.

I had been praying about what to do. I figured that we would just have to start looking for another church. Which was painful because of the connections I, and my children, have made. But DH said that he wasn't interested in going to church anymore.

So - low and behold - my washer breaks. So one of the friends, that I was actually so hurt by just a week before, volunteers to let me use her washer.

Long story short, I was there ALL DAY. I shared my concerns with her. She was, most importantly, a listening ear. But then her DH came home. and I was very tense. I'll be honest. I feel as though he always feels he has to wear a false front around me.

But for whatever reason, not that night. Which was a first in over 2 years. And he was interested in what I had to say. I felt he really understood where I was coming from. We connected.

I was able to express my concerns. He was able to come up with feasible solutions - or the beginning steps of the solution.

Needless to say. It was refreshing. Like putting on clean laundry.

As if 2 aren't enough...

I had three today. Kids that is. For some reason my nephew (by marriage) loves to come down here. He plays with my kids for as long as I can stand it. Or my kids can stand it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for playdates. But I usually have a few rules regarding play dates.

1. Not every single day. (Rule broken by the nephew - and subsequently his parents)

2. Usualy playdates are for 2-3 hours, unless the other parent is visiting. Then it can go on and on. When both parents are there to referee and take care of the kids - who cares how long they play? However when it's just one parent - totally not fair for it to be an all day thing unless previously arranged between the parents. (Rule broken by nephew - and subsequently his parents)

3. Always call and ask permission prior to coming over. The provides an out for the parent who would be hosting. This allows the hosting parent to mentally prepare him/herself. (Rule broken by newphew - and subsequently his parents)

Now you are probably wondering why I don't just tell him to go home. He only lives next door. But I HATE being the bad guy. I usually don't have a major reason that he can't play - so what do I do? I sigh and say - ok - you can play for a bit.

Eventually my kids start resenting him. He's not an ideal kid. They come to me and ask me to send him home, which I do - grateful to my children for providing an out.

I was told over a year ago by my sister in law and my mother in law that they felt it was very good for my nephew to play with my daughter (who is a year younger) because he shows him correct behavior and teaches him things.

Have I mentioned that he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer?

But on the same token - because my son is younger - his behaviour after spending time with his cousin - is HORRIBLE. He receives extra discipline events. Which I hate to do - and he hates to receive. However, unacceptable behavious is, well, unacceptable.

I sincerely hope that he stops showing up uninvited once school starts. Or I'm going to have to become "that bitch sister in law".

Sigh.....I hate drama.

It's ok to say no....

Seriously. It is. This is a VERY difficult thing to learn. Especially for women. Most especially for me.

I must admit, because of my inability to say no my house has become neglected. Not the basics of dishes being done, or other mundane tasks such as that.

No, I mean I need to replace my kitchen floor. There is a hole in front of my fridge. A hole large enough for an small animal to get in. That's embarrassing to admit, but it's the truth. Unfortunately, in order to replace the floor I have to move my computer desk. Which has because the hot spot to dump stuff.

So.....I am going to start saying no to fun activities and to spending lazy days reading and to just enjoying my family and friends. No No No. I will focus on mundane chores and pain in the ass repairs.

Ok - who am I kidding?

That's not me.

I'm not going to lie to you or to myself.

Here's the full truth. It will get done. Eventually. I'm not worried about it.

The friends and family that love ME, and I mean MY FAMILY AND ME, and don't give two shits about a hole in my floor, or the clutter on my desk. That's who matters. That's what I am going to spend my energy thinking about.

That's who I'm going to spend time with. Not spend time worrying about what people think about my house or my hole in my floor. Or a stupid supper swap that two people who probably judge me on my house stepped out of. Who needs that kind of drama?? Not me.

I am ZEN.

Friendships

I've learned over the past few weeks that friendships, and my views on friendships, are an ever changing thing.

I have a big problem in that I consistently overshare. While this endears me to my "secular" friends and causes friendships to grow, the same is not to be said of my "spiritual" friends.

This has caused me a lot of heartache.

When I re-dedicated myself to the Lord, and DH dedicated his life - we were so EXCITED! We quickly made a new group of friends that seemed to share the same values and ideas.

I'm sorry to say - but I kinda regret that now. I don't regret making new friends. I regret the pressures that come with these new friendships. And I don't think that is what God intended at all.

Now I am in a quandry. I want to pull away. I want to build walls and withdraw. That's my style. That's what I do when I'm faced with situations I don't like. I withdraw.

If I didn't have children, it would be an easy withdraw. Unfortunately, my children have made friends and will be going to school with a lot of these children. So they will question why we don't go do playdates anymore.

So I guess for now, I will do a subtle withdraw and place the ball in their court. If they contact me and request get togethers - then I will consider it. But it will be guarded. I will be silent. It's not safe to share with them.

What a sad, sad day that I feel as though I'm surrounded by people that make me uncomfortable in my own skin.

I'll be certain not to make that mistake again.

What I have found about Christian women being sexy.....

and my own opinion on what I have found.

I did a google search on christian women desiring to be sexy. Not very much out there. I did find a FABULOUS sight. I think it was christiannympho.com. Very, very awesome.

That aside. The majority of sites addressing these issues were made for teens. Apparently only teenage girls have a desire to feel sexy. I like to believe that only teenage girls are honest about wanting to feel sexy.


Another thing I learned is that there are so many facets to this line of questioning. This is a major - sitting by the fire discussing for hours - type of topic.

Anywho, back to the tpic. So the main theme of the sites I found is that dressing sexy is ok - as long as it is strictly for your husband and done in the privacy of your home. That by dressing sexy outside of your home you are tempting your brother to fall, which is directly against God, according to these website's take on biblical text.

Wow....did my hackles raise on that one. My feminist sesibilities were appalled! Then I calmed down and remember to pray. Ummm hello?? Isn't that the most important thing I've learned? It's truely best to go to God and lay it all out. Asking him to imprint on me and to have the Holy Spirit convict me of what is right for me. That is truely the only way to know what God intended for me. I needed the Holy Spirit to guide my thoughts and feelings as I was preparing to take in new information.

So....my next step was to find said bible verse about causing a brother to stumble. I wanted the verse only so that I could look it up in my own bible. I found it.

Romans 14:13.

Here is what my bible said.

"Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way."

Wow. The first part of that I love. In my circle of friends - well, I'll be honest. In the majority of Christians, judgment is thick. It's not specifically stated, but more implied. Or maybe I'm just paranoid and it's not there at all! But regardless I've felt it. Judgment based on lower class. Judgements of rednecks and hillbillies. Judgment of Yuppies and Richies....Judgement on people "living in sin", judgment on those who just live life a little differently.

The first part also dealt with a topic I touched on in my last post. That I changed myself because of the way my new circle of friends viewed me and my "mom" status. Ummmmm...right there it states to stop passing judgment. When this verse is quoted, by both web sites and people I know in real life, that first part is always skipped over. Convenient.

So then I look at the last part. Do not put any stumbling block in your brothers way. I like that. I took it as - do not intentionally go to your brother and try to make him fail. Don't set up your friends for failure.

Side note: the majority of bosses I've worked for could learn from that verse right there.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch:

Here is the part I don't like and havn't been convicted to believe otherwise. Adults are adults. They are VERY capable of making decisions. Good and Bad. So I look at it as if I dress sexy, or post sexy pictures, it is up to the other adults reading my blog to decide if they want to look. I'll be honest, I want people to look. Men and women. I like attention. I prefer only positive ones who look to build my self esteem by commenting. But I will take the good with the bad.

But I was still not sure. Am I making my brother stumble? I mean, adults are adults. But I don't want to go against God. So I decided to read the entire chapter that brought forth said verse to clarify my confusion. I suggest all should read this personally, from their own bible so that when they comment on my post I am certain we have all read the same thing. If you don't own a bible, please let me know and I will mail you one.

I'm going to state my own interpretation. It talks about not judging A LOT. It uses the example of religions who allow foods and those that don't. Who is right, who is wrong. But in verse 5 it states that

"Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind."

That's that Holy Spirit conviction I was talking about.

It also goes on to say if one persons does something and views it as special, so does the lord. If someone else does something similar and views it as special, so does the Lord.

To me that means that even though you did something different, both area special to the Lord. It doesn't make either thing MORE special. It also goes on to say that we are each personally accountable to the Lord. So don't worry about what your brother does, they will deal with it one on one with God.

Verse 15 - and I'm saying this in my own words - please read it for your self -

Says that if your friend is upset because of what you do, you are not acting in love. Don't let what you do destroy your friend.

Ergo another conflict for me. I say that what I do shouldn't upset my friends. That because of their love for me they won't be upset, but happy for me. I'll be the first to admit that my line of thought is selfish. But how I feel nontheless.

Then it starts talking about food again. Which irritates me. I start thinking. Are you kidding me? How am I supposed to take this? Am I supposed to substitute HNT pictures for the word food? Is that what God intended for me to do?

Or was this written, for all intents and purposes, to address food? GRRRRRRRRRR.... That will be one thing that God will explain to me in Heaven, I'm sure. It's on both of our "to be clarified" lists.

So, ergo, I pray again for Holy Spirit conviction. But I'm not getting any convicting vibes. I rest on the last part of the last verse.

Verse 22

"...because eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin."

So as long as I am fully convinced that those HNT pics are not wrong, then I am acting in faith, and I am all good.

Ergo - after prayer and turning to my bible and God I am ok with it. There is no guilt in taking those pics. There is no guilt in sharing those pics. I am not doing it with the intention of causing a brother to stumble, but with the intention of building up my self esteem and sex life. Issues which I have prayed that God provide a way to make them better. And it seems He has.

Amen.

There should be no guilt in feeling sexy.

There, I've said it. Outloud. In front of everyone. Well, not everyone because I think only two people read my blog. But still.

Recently I've been caught up in being an "ideal" mom. Being an "ideal" wife. I've been dressing appropriatly for all occastions. Choosing outfits that don't show my cleavage or modifying ones that do. Not wearing anything super short. Letting my hair grown back to it's natural color.

Ok - I'm going to talk about sex. Stop reading if you feel it would be TMI. I'm giving you fair warning. I don't want anyone coming up to me and saying - "I can't believe you wrote that. I'm very disgusted" If you are easily disgusted stop reading now.

My sex life has had many peaks and valleys throughout the course of my marriage. My sex life has been at its best when I felt sexy. When I was doing HNT. When I was hearing others, not just my husband, tell me I looked hot. That made our sex life crazy!! Off the hook! My going after him agressivly every single day! We were happy, horny and satisfied with life.

Then my guilt kicked in. Comments from other mothers and wives about the inappropriatness of it. Guilt from the pulpit. So I tried to carry that on without - sigh - without feeling sexy.

Why does it take all that to make me feel sexy? DH is away a lot during the week. When he gets home, he is tired. Doesn't really have the energy to make me feel sexy. The sexiest comment I get from him recently is "Are you going to service me tonight?" Yeah, that's a huge libido killer right there.

My idenity as a women gets lost. It's nice to have reminders that even though I'm a bit heavy - even though I'm not the best house cleaner - I'm still a sexy woman.

Am I the only woman that needs to feel sexy? I mean, what's so wrong with that? Is there something I should be, besides write sexy posts and take HNT pics? Should I start doing my other blog again? Or am I crossing another moral boundry?

NKOTB 2009

That's right. You read it. I went to see New Kids On The Block for the first time last night.

It was a riot. Liza won tickets (as usual) and call to the day before yesterday to le me know I needed to find a sitter. DH stepped up and offered to work late on Mondy so he could be home on Tuesday to watch the kids.

Fantastik.

So yesterday me, Liza, another toepick, Liza's brother, his wife and her friend all drove up to Blossom.

There was a dance crew first, then some little kid that sangs 2 songs I knew. Then NKOTB. They have all aged very well. However Jon hasn't aged at all. We only saw him on the screens once that night. We, obviously, were at the back of the lawn.

But we danced and sang our hearts out. Mostly we laughed.

One pet peeve at Blossom is that anyone that performs there wants to call us Cleveland. It's not Cleveland. It's Cuyahoga Falls. But that just doesn't roll off the tongue like Cleveland I guess.

I didn't take any pictures, Liza took them all. So if she e-mails me I will post them.

Of course I got home around 1 - and I had promised DH some "Mommy and Daddy time". So I wasn't able to sleep until around 2 - and my eyes are on fire this morning. Oh well. It was worth it.

Totally Fun. All through the concernt I kept thinking that I would rather be praising God.