Another step forward in my spiritual walk....

So we all know from my last few posts I've been facing some interesting challenges in my life.

Another challenge that i haven't really talked about had "come to a head" so to speak. Then was addressed in a surprisingly pleasant way.

I've talked about my new Christian friends, and my frustrations with being their friend. Frustrations that, in a surprising turn, were really my fault!

One thing that DH and I have been concerned about lately is not feeling fed or uplifted after leaving church. When we first began about 2 years ago - we felt energized and refreshed after every Sunday.

Over the course of the last 6 months or so it hasn't been that way. We were not so surprised to find that many others felt the same way.

I had been praying about what to do. I figured that we would just have to start looking for another church. Which was painful because of the connections I, and my children, have made. But DH said that he wasn't interested in going to church anymore.

So - low and behold - my washer breaks. So one of the friends, that I was actually so hurt by just a week before, volunteers to let me use her washer.

Long story short, I was there ALL DAY. I shared my concerns with her. She was, most importantly, a listening ear. But then her DH came home. and I was very tense. I'll be honest. I feel as though he always feels he has to wear a false front around me.

But for whatever reason, not that night. Which was a first in over 2 years. And he was interested in what I had to say. I felt he really understood where I was coming from. We connected.

I was able to express my concerns. He was able to come up with feasible solutions - or the beginning steps of the solution.

Needless to say. It was refreshing. Like putting on clean laundry.

As if 2 aren't enough...

I had three today. Kids that is. For some reason my nephew (by marriage) loves to come down here. He plays with my kids for as long as I can stand it. Or my kids can stand it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for playdates. But I usually have a few rules regarding play dates.

1. Not every single day. (Rule broken by the nephew - and subsequently his parents)

2. Usualy playdates are for 2-3 hours, unless the other parent is visiting. Then it can go on and on. When both parents are there to referee and take care of the kids - who cares how long they play? However when it's just one parent - totally not fair for it to be an all day thing unless previously arranged between the parents. (Rule broken by nephew - and subsequently his parents)

3. Always call and ask permission prior to coming over. The provides an out for the parent who would be hosting. This allows the hosting parent to mentally prepare him/herself. (Rule broken by newphew - and subsequently his parents)

Now you are probably wondering why I don't just tell him to go home. He only lives next door. But I HATE being the bad guy. I usually don't have a major reason that he can't play - so what do I do? I sigh and say - ok - you can play for a bit.

Eventually my kids start resenting him. He's not an ideal kid. They come to me and ask me to send him home, which I do - grateful to my children for providing an out.

I was told over a year ago by my sister in law and my mother in law that they felt it was very good for my nephew to play with my daughter (who is a year younger) because he shows him correct behavior and teaches him things.

Have I mentioned that he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer?

But on the same token - because my son is younger - his behaviour after spending time with his cousin - is HORRIBLE. He receives extra discipline events. Which I hate to do - and he hates to receive. However, unacceptable behavious is, well, unacceptable.

I sincerely hope that he stops showing up uninvited once school starts. Or I'm going to have to become "that bitch sister in law".

Sigh.....I hate drama.

It's ok to say no....

Seriously. It is. This is a VERY difficult thing to learn. Especially for women. Most especially for me.

I must admit, because of my inability to say no my house has become neglected. Not the basics of dishes being done, or other mundane tasks such as that.

No, I mean I need to replace my kitchen floor. There is a hole in front of my fridge. A hole large enough for an small animal to get in. That's embarrassing to admit, but it's the truth. Unfortunately, in order to replace the floor I have to move my computer desk. Which has because the hot spot to dump stuff.

So.....I am going to start saying no to fun activities and to spending lazy days reading and to just enjoying my family and friends. No No No. I will focus on mundane chores and pain in the ass repairs.

Ok - who am I kidding?

That's not me.

I'm not going to lie to you or to myself.

Here's the full truth. It will get done. Eventually. I'm not worried about it.

The friends and family that love ME, and I mean MY FAMILY AND ME, and don't give two shits about a hole in my floor, or the clutter on my desk. That's who matters. That's what I am going to spend my energy thinking about.

That's who I'm going to spend time with. Not spend time worrying about what people think about my house or my hole in my floor. Or a stupid supper swap that two people who probably judge me on my house stepped out of. Who needs that kind of drama?? Not me.

I am ZEN.

Friendships

I've learned over the past few weeks that friendships, and my views on friendships, are an ever changing thing.

I have a big problem in that I consistently overshare. While this endears me to my "secular" friends and causes friendships to grow, the same is not to be said of my "spiritual" friends.

This has caused me a lot of heartache.

When I re-dedicated myself to the Lord, and DH dedicated his life - we were so EXCITED! We quickly made a new group of friends that seemed to share the same values and ideas.

I'm sorry to say - but I kinda regret that now. I don't regret making new friends. I regret the pressures that come with these new friendships. And I don't think that is what God intended at all.

Now I am in a quandry. I want to pull away. I want to build walls and withdraw. That's my style. That's what I do when I'm faced with situations I don't like. I withdraw.

If I didn't have children, it would be an easy withdraw. Unfortunately, my children have made friends and will be going to school with a lot of these children. So they will question why we don't go do playdates anymore.

So I guess for now, I will do a subtle withdraw and place the ball in their court. If they contact me and request get togethers - then I will consider it. But it will be guarded. I will be silent. It's not safe to share with them.

What a sad, sad day that I feel as though I'm surrounded by people that make me uncomfortable in my own skin.

I'll be certain not to make that mistake again.