Another Big Fat Slap in the Face...

Wow....I am having a crappy week. I'm still dealing with major Drama from my sisters divorce. Being sucked in to the horrible high schoolish void has brought things to light that are very hurtful to me and I am trying to shove those feelings back into a dark corner in the back of my mind where I don't have to address them.

On top of that I found out today that the appraisal for our property didn't come in high enough for us to do what we want. We are still awaiting the actual appraisal so we don't know specifically why...but it was a crushing blow non the less.

I am feeling very emotional and angry today. I have held on to faith for so long. I have been the one to tell DH that he must have faith!! The Lord knows what we need. The Lord will provide...yadda yadda yadda yackity smackity.

I'm starting to believe that this is the best I'm gonna get. This is it. Because of choices that I made earlier in life - this is what I get.

I guess it's not that bad. A roof over my head. My belly is full. My kids are healthy and clothed. I'm just being selfish by asking for more.

I honestly try not to ask for much. I don't mind if I don't get anything for myself. I don't look for birthday or christmas presents.

But a secret small little place inside of me is begging. Please. Please. Please. Just let me have something really nice. A house of my own. A place that isn't over run by clutter and has complete floors, and no broken windows, and no drywall that needs replaced. Enough drawers in the kitchen for towels and utensils and silverwear. And a place for an effing dining room table. I would LOVE to have a table we could sit at and eat dinner together.

Sigh. Big Fat Sigh.

So we now have a new game plan. We are going to rent a pod thingie and move things out and re do rooms here. Eliminate clutter. Replace flooring. Replace drywall. Fix electrical outlets.

And live here. In this single wide trailer I HATE with a passion. For another 5 years. With DH being in a perpetual depression because he feels like he is working for nothing.

I will try to post pics of the work we are doing. To remind myself of how it used to look and how far we make it go. Maybe in 20 years, when we finnaly get our dream house, we will look back and say - wow - look how far we've come.

Do I make the best of a situation or stick to my guns?

I'll post pictures here as soon as I take some. But the car came home last night. I wasn't sure what I should do. Pout and be a bitch so that my point gets driven home? Or just make the best and show some enthusiasm.

So I showed some interest. I learned some things last night. But here is my dilemma. I am trying to strenghthen my relationship with God. This whole car thing is bringing people back into my life that aren't anywhere near God. Don't have any desire to be close to God.

The club is called Voodoo Kustoms, and they are all about skulls, and evil eat your liver music and - well - very negative stuff. But my husband and these friends think it's really cool. And in it's own way I guess it is. They all dress like the 50's. There are a lot of families involved.

But I don't know what to do. I'm probably not being very clear. It's a moral dilemma. Am I comprimising my relationship with God by spending LOTS of time with people that have no interest in God? Will it bring me down, and sever my relationship with the Lord?


I don't think that it will do anything that I don't allow it to do. So ultimately I just have to be strong.

But we know how weak I am. This will be interestig, to say the least.