Another Big Fat Slap in the Face...

Wow....I am having a crappy week. I'm still dealing with major Drama from my sisters divorce. Being sucked in to the horrible high schoolish void has brought things to light that are very hurtful to me and I am trying to shove those feelings back into a dark corner in the back of my mind where I don't have to address them.

On top of that I found out today that the appraisal for our property didn't come in high enough for us to do what we want. We are still awaiting the actual appraisal so we don't know specifically why...but it was a crushing blow non the less.

I am feeling very emotional and angry today. I have held on to faith for so long. I have been the one to tell DH that he must have faith!! The Lord knows what we need. The Lord will provide...yadda yadda yadda yackity smackity.

I'm starting to believe that this is the best I'm gonna get. This is it. Because of choices that I made earlier in life - this is what I get.

I guess it's not that bad. A roof over my head. My belly is full. My kids are healthy and clothed. I'm just being selfish by asking for more.

I honestly try not to ask for much. I don't mind if I don't get anything for myself. I don't look for birthday or christmas presents.

But a secret small little place inside of me is begging. Please. Please. Please. Just let me have something really nice. A house of my own. A place that isn't over run by clutter and has complete floors, and no broken windows, and no drywall that needs replaced. Enough drawers in the kitchen for towels and utensils and silverwear. And a place for an effing dining room table. I would LOVE to have a table we could sit at and eat dinner together.

Sigh. Big Fat Sigh.

So we now have a new game plan. We are going to rent a pod thingie and move things out and re do rooms here. Eliminate clutter. Replace flooring. Replace drywall. Fix electrical outlets.

And live here. In this single wide trailer I HATE with a passion. For another 5 years. With DH being in a perpetual depression because he feels like he is working for nothing.

I will try to post pics of the work we are doing. To remind myself of how it used to look and how far we make it go. Maybe in 20 years, when we finnaly get our dream house, we will look back and say - wow - look how far we've come.

The grass is always greener....

DH had a small melt down last night. I've had the same meltdown several times, so I know how he's feeling.

Sometimes, on our path we've chosen to walk together, it seems like we keep running into steep hills, and walls and seemingly dead ends, and all kinda of obstacles.

It seems like we struggle and struggle to be good parents, and have low debt, and scrimp and save, and we both work hard, with him working 60+ hours most weeks, but we never get ahead.

Most of our friends live in fabulous houses, with fabulous cars, and wear the latest clothes, and go on shopping sprees etc.

We live in a single tube, the newest vehicle we own is an 04 and the transmission light is on in it.

The last "shopping spree" I went on was for a bra because the only ones that fit me were nursing bras and I haven't nursed for over a year.

I'd say 98% of my clothes are hand me downs from people who have either gained or lost weight.

Wow, I'm depressing myself just reading this.

But like I told him last night when he was bitchin about never getting ahead, and never having it easy:

We have a GREAT marriage, a pretty good sex life that keeps getting better, fabulous healthy children, a warm place to sleep at night, and full bellies.

Nothing else matters.

Except that Princess Set I want to get for the daughter for christmas....