Good bye 09

So here it is....the last day of 2009. A day full to the brim of bright expectations of the year yet to come.

Of course, tomorrow harsh reality will settle in. Some of us will be hungover. Some of us will wonder who we are waking up beside.

Some of us (aka me) will wake up just like any other day. Stumble to the bathroom, then stumble to the kitchen to run the water for my oh-so-needed coffee. Then while the coffe is brewing I will pull away hands that are tugging at my shirt, begging for cereal, or more likely pickles.

I'll breathe a deep sigh and smile - grateful that I have these small pests blessings.

After finishing up my coffee and breaking up several fights I'll start a load of laundry and unload the dishwasher. All of the previous nights feelings of hope now washed away by the daily ugly grind.

Sigh.....

But tonight - I'll not think about that. Tonight I'll think about all of the fantastic, amazing, wonderful things that are going to happen to me and my family and friends in the year 2010.

I'll think about those wonderful things - and sip some moonshine. Cause that's how I roll.

Tithing in 2010

I'm not even sure I spelled that right. But it's an issue that's been on my mind. According to legend (ehem) and to some according to God via the bible we are supposed to tithe 10%.

Now - no one is really sure if that means 10% of money - or 10% of time + money or what the exact combination is.

So I decided to try to figure out if we could afford 10% of straight money.

It's a good possibility that with some going without luxeries...we could.

Is that what God intended? Then what about the time I donate to the church - is that just bonus?

Then I felt guilty about giving less than 10%...

I just don't know where to stand on this one....

Is Santa to be....or not to be......THAT is the question.

Today at playdate an interesting topic came up. There were 4 of us moms there. Two of them had decided to tell their children from the get go that Santa does not exist. Two others (one being myself) felt that it was important that our children believe in Santa.

This was brought to light by a post a member of our church had put on facebook. I haven't read that post, but the way it was explained to me was that this mom didn't want her child believing in Santa because when she grew up a bit and found out that truth that she would think her parents lied to her not only about Santa, but our Jesus Christ, and God.

WOW!!!! What a presumption. I was raised in a fairly "religious" home. Both of my granndfathers - my mom's dad and my dad's dad, were pastors up to their deaths. We were raised in church. I cut my teeth on the back of the church pews. Yet it was never a concern about if we should believe in Santa or not.

We were taught from day 1 about the true meaning of the season. The birth of Jesus. The glorious miracle that took place a long time ago. Never once in my mind did I think that Santa had anything to do with the birth of Christ. When I determined that Santa wasn't real, I NEVER thought that made Jesus not real. Same with the Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy.

I have another friend who was, for a long time, a single mom. She chose to tell her kids that Santa was fake because she wanted her kids to know that SHE was responsible for the presents, not some jolly old elf. That logic I can understand.

But why can't kids have some magic when they are young? Why do we have to confront them with life's harsh realities at such a young age? I have yet to meet someone that said "Ya know, my life would be sooooo much better if my parents hadn't let me believe in Santa for a few years."

I know that everyone has to make a decision for their family that they feel is right. And it is only correct that I respect their decisions and do not judge them for it. Lord knows I don't need anyone judging me for mine.

So I can tell what time...

of the month it is. I'm not going to go into TMI. But today, while driving to DD's christmas party, Little Drummer Boy came on the radio. I started crying while listening...just imaging what I would do in his place.

Sigh....I hate being a crybaby....

New Years Resolutions

I already have my New Years Resolution. I only ever make one. Usually it's about weight loss.

For the first time in a long time, I'm not going to start my year off thinking about my weight and what I didn't lose last year.

I've always believed that what you say can eventually become reality. That is, if you say it often enough.

So this year, I vow to stop saying that I don't keep a clean house. I vow in the year 2010 that I will say outloud that my house is in order, and everything is in it's place.

I vow that I will write in my prayer journal that I get assistance in keeping an orderly house.

I've already begun this year by making my bed every day. You wouldn't believe what a big difference that makes.

If anyone is reading this, have you thought about your New Years Resolutions? What are they?

Selfishness

Selfishness

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The quality or state of being selfish; exclusive regard to one's own interest or happiness; that supreme self-love or self-preference which leads a person to direct his purposes to the advancement of his own interest, power, or happiness, without regarding those of others.


Hmmmm....

I think I'm being selfish. After taking care of my boisterous 3 year old for 7 hours, then adding my 5 year old.

DH decides to go hunt for awhile. I tell him to go ahead. He doesn't often do things that aren't making or saving him money. He needs a little time out.

So now I'm going on 10 hours of sole kid responsiblity.

My heart sings when I hear DH talking on the phone on the porch. He is, at long last, home from hunting. I can take off my mom hat and put on the sign that says "GO ASK YOUR DAD."

DH comes in the house and starts taking off his hunting clothes. Tells me he needs to go work on our Belair. Asks me if I will handle the no scent washing that needs to be done to his clothes. Puts all the camo in a nice pile in the middle of my living room floor. Gets dressed in street clothes. Tells me to turn on my phone and he will text me pictures of the car.

I ask what time he will be leaving for the Hunter Safety Course tomorrow. He said he would find out and let me know, but probably first thing in the morning. He wants to take our Godson to breakfast before class.

So after all my waking hours are spent dealing with nuturing and loving my children I can look forward to nuturing them all day tomorrow.

But I do have a light at the end of my tunnel. I have book club tomorrow. I can leave at 5. If he's home from class by then.

I hate that I selfishly want him home so he can shoulder some of the kid burden. I mean, he works 50 hours in 4 days. Then works all day today on his mom's heating ditches for her new house and outdoor woodburner. He'll spend tomorrow at a Hunter Safety Course with our Godson. While I do grocery shopping with my children.

He'll spend Sunday cutting wood for my Grandma. While I'm at church.

Then we will go to life group together.

Then Monday he'll go to work and come home around 5 - leave for dog class around 6 - be home around 9 after kids are in bed.

He'll leave Tuesday morning around 3 am for out of state. Come home after I'm in bed Tuesday night. Go in to work 7 or so on Wednesday, hopefully be home so I can do my coupon shopping Wednesday night.

That's my night out. I am killing two birds with one stone. Well more than two birds. I'm shopping for my family. I am saving money by using coupons. I am having fun with JJ.

He'll be in bed when I get home because he needs to be up again at 3 a.m. to leave the state again. He'll be home Thursday night after I'm in bed. Friday he will either do more work for his mom at her new place, or cut wood. Saturday he'll either work on the car, or cut wood. Sunday he will cut wood. He sells it ya know.

And I feel guilty asking for an evening of not wearing the only parent hat. I am leaving for 4 days in a few weeks. He will be the only one wearing that hat. Unless his mom comes and stays. He hasn't said if she was or not.

I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Having a down day when I wish I was still on antidepressants. This weather doens't help.

I feel like Eyeore on Winnie the Pooh. Blah. I hate it.

Tomorrow will be better, I know it.

My hypocricy only goes so far....

...that great quote is from the movie TOMBSTONE.

It came to my mind last night after mulling over a conversation DH and I had.

We have this friend. We will call him The Mentor. The Mentor and my DH are pretty close. My husband looks upon situations and thinks "what would Jesus do and what would The Mentor do". As The Mentor is an all around great guy, I encourage this.

During his daylight hours, The Mentor works a professional job. He is in a fairly high position. An opening has come up in his department and its his responsiblity to hire someone to fill this position.

After perusing the resumes he finds a local gal. Her resume looks fantastik. He calls the company that she did her internship with. Glowing reviews. They couldn't say enough great things about her.

Now the Mentor is really pumped. He thinks he's found the girl.

Then he goes on Myspace. Looks up all of the potential employees.

Let me just advise anyone that is thinking about applying for a job. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT have ANYTHING on your myspace page that you wouldn't want the following people to see:

Your Grandma

God

Jesus

Your mom

Your pastor

Your employer

This girl - who probably would be FANTASTIK at her job - is now not even going to get an interview call because of her Myspace page.

Do I think this is wrong? 100%

Do I think that it happens? All the time.

Here's the thing...I understand that an employer doesn't want to have immature sex addicts hanging around them.

As DH says...you are who you hang out with. You are who you put out there.

I looked up one of the profiles. I didn't see anything that would point to a potentional psycho path. I saw nothing that would indicate that she couldn't do that job.

But I'm not judgmental. I don't stay away from people with issues.

What a HUGE missed opportunity to introduce someone to the awesomeness of Christ and His Love.

I must admit...more walls are going up after this one. I thought the Mentor was pretty open minded.

Shows how wrong I can be. I don't want to be part of a group of people that judges based on your music style or hobbies.

One of these things is not like the other...

Since my change from a working mom to a SAHM I've had some parts of me that are missing. I crave to be part of something that is in no way connected to my family.

I need to get over that. Let me share why.

I decided to sign up for the tech team at my church. I thought it would be fairly simple. I would show up to practice on the week it was my turn to run the board. Then I would run the board on that Sunday. Win/Win for all involved.

Then I attended my first meeting. YEEAAAHHHH, not so much win/win.

First part of the meeting we do a bible devotional. Really a cool thing. This devotional was about Truth. Even better. I like truth. Truth is important in all aspects of life.

Here's where it took a wrong turn. The group leader started talking about how the bible is black and white.

WOOP WOOP WOOP. Warning Warning.

I raise my eyebrows but say nothing, curious as to where this was going to go.

He goes on to say that there are not multiple ways to interprate what God says in the bible. That there is no color in the bible. It's steadfast, it says what it says and that it.

Ok - wait a minute. Last time I checked there were many ways to interprate many things in the bible.

That's what preachers do. They pick a verse and make it work for the theme they are preaching on.

So I started stewing. I was not in a position that I could start spouting my beliefs. I didn't want to be stoned before I completed my first technical training.

Then we went over the rules and requirements for persons wanting to belong to the praise/technical team.

One of the items was that you have to have "Public Life of obedience to God's word - your life outside of church will be observed by many who will see you in the community"

I completely understand why they have that in. People are judgmental by nature. They are EXTRA critical of those that they know are "christians".

Here's where my issue comes in. I do, on occasion, like to go out and tear up the town". I will hit the bars, dance, drink and be loud.

Does this make me less a christian? I don't think so. I'm pretty sure that God didn't intend for me to stop having fun because I accepted him as my Lord and Saviour.

However, it does mean that I cannot be a major player in the church, however much my skills may be useful.

Hence the reason I need to quit trying to be part of something outside of my family.

Another step forward in my spiritual walk....

So we all know from my last few posts I've been facing some interesting challenges in my life.

Another challenge that i haven't really talked about had "come to a head" so to speak. Then was addressed in a surprisingly pleasant way.

I've talked about my new Christian friends, and my frustrations with being their friend. Frustrations that, in a surprising turn, were really my fault!

One thing that DH and I have been concerned about lately is not feeling fed or uplifted after leaving church. When we first began about 2 years ago - we felt energized and refreshed after every Sunday.

Over the course of the last 6 months or so it hasn't been that way. We were not so surprised to find that many others felt the same way.

I had been praying about what to do. I figured that we would just have to start looking for another church. Which was painful because of the connections I, and my children, have made. But DH said that he wasn't interested in going to church anymore.

So - low and behold - my washer breaks. So one of the friends, that I was actually so hurt by just a week before, volunteers to let me use her washer.

Long story short, I was there ALL DAY. I shared my concerns with her. She was, most importantly, a listening ear. But then her DH came home. and I was very tense. I'll be honest. I feel as though he always feels he has to wear a false front around me.

But for whatever reason, not that night. Which was a first in over 2 years. And he was interested in what I had to say. I felt he really understood where I was coming from. We connected.

I was able to express my concerns. He was able to come up with feasible solutions - or the beginning steps of the solution.

Needless to say. It was refreshing. Like putting on clean laundry.

As if 2 aren't enough...

I had three today. Kids that is. For some reason my nephew (by marriage) loves to come down here. He plays with my kids for as long as I can stand it. Or my kids can stand it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for playdates. But I usually have a few rules regarding play dates.

1. Not every single day. (Rule broken by the nephew - and subsequently his parents)

2. Usualy playdates are for 2-3 hours, unless the other parent is visiting. Then it can go on and on. When both parents are there to referee and take care of the kids - who cares how long they play? However when it's just one parent - totally not fair for it to be an all day thing unless previously arranged between the parents. (Rule broken by nephew - and subsequently his parents)

3. Always call and ask permission prior to coming over. The provides an out for the parent who would be hosting. This allows the hosting parent to mentally prepare him/herself. (Rule broken by newphew - and subsequently his parents)

Now you are probably wondering why I don't just tell him to go home. He only lives next door. But I HATE being the bad guy. I usually don't have a major reason that he can't play - so what do I do? I sigh and say - ok - you can play for a bit.

Eventually my kids start resenting him. He's not an ideal kid. They come to me and ask me to send him home, which I do - grateful to my children for providing an out.

I was told over a year ago by my sister in law and my mother in law that they felt it was very good for my nephew to play with my daughter (who is a year younger) because he shows him correct behavior and teaches him things.

Have I mentioned that he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer?

But on the same token - because my son is younger - his behaviour after spending time with his cousin - is HORRIBLE. He receives extra discipline events. Which I hate to do - and he hates to receive. However, unacceptable behavious is, well, unacceptable.

I sincerely hope that he stops showing up uninvited once school starts. Or I'm going to have to become "that bitch sister in law".

Sigh.....I hate drama.

It's ok to say no....

Seriously. It is. This is a VERY difficult thing to learn. Especially for women. Most especially for me.

I must admit, because of my inability to say no my house has become neglected. Not the basics of dishes being done, or other mundane tasks such as that.

No, I mean I need to replace my kitchen floor. There is a hole in front of my fridge. A hole large enough for an small animal to get in. That's embarrassing to admit, but it's the truth. Unfortunately, in order to replace the floor I have to move my computer desk. Which has because the hot spot to dump stuff.

So.....I am going to start saying no to fun activities and to spending lazy days reading and to just enjoying my family and friends. No No No. I will focus on mundane chores and pain in the ass repairs.

Ok - who am I kidding?

That's not me.

I'm not going to lie to you or to myself.

Here's the full truth. It will get done. Eventually. I'm not worried about it.

The friends and family that love ME, and I mean MY FAMILY AND ME, and don't give two shits about a hole in my floor, or the clutter on my desk. That's who matters. That's what I am going to spend my energy thinking about.

That's who I'm going to spend time with. Not spend time worrying about what people think about my house or my hole in my floor. Or a stupid supper swap that two people who probably judge me on my house stepped out of. Who needs that kind of drama?? Not me.

I am ZEN.

Friendships

I've learned over the past few weeks that friendships, and my views on friendships, are an ever changing thing.

I have a big problem in that I consistently overshare. While this endears me to my "secular" friends and causes friendships to grow, the same is not to be said of my "spiritual" friends.

This has caused me a lot of heartache.

When I re-dedicated myself to the Lord, and DH dedicated his life - we were so EXCITED! We quickly made a new group of friends that seemed to share the same values and ideas.

I'm sorry to say - but I kinda regret that now. I don't regret making new friends. I regret the pressures that come with these new friendships. And I don't think that is what God intended at all.

Now I am in a quandry. I want to pull away. I want to build walls and withdraw. That's my style. That's what I do when I'm faced with situations I don't like. I withdraw.

If I didn't have children, it would be an easy withdraw. Unfortunately, my children have made friends and will be going to school with a lot of these children. So they will question why we don't go do playdates anymore.

So I guess for now, I will do a subtle withdraw and place the ball in their court. If they contact me and request get togethers - then I will consider it. But it will be guarded. I will be silent. It's not safe to share with them.

What a sad, sad day that I feel as though I'm surrounded by people that make me uncomfortable in my own skin.

I'll be certain not to make that mistake again.

What I have found about Christian women being sexy.....

and my own opinion on what I have found.

I did a google search on christian women desiring to be sexy. Not very much out there. I did find a FABULOUS sight. I think it was christiannympho.com. Very, very awesome.

That aside. The majority of sites addressing these issues were made for teens. Apparently only teenage girls have a desire to feel sexy. I like to believe that only teenage girls are honest about wanting to feel sexy.


Another thing I learned is that there are so many facets to this line of questioning. This is a major - sitting by the fire discussing for hours - type of topic.

Anywho, back to the tpic. So the main theme of the sites I found is that dressing sexy is ok - as long as it is strictly for your husband and done in the privacy of your home. That by dressing sexy outside of your home you are tempting your brother to fall, which is directly against God, according to these website's take on biblical text.

Wow....did my hackles raise on that one. My feminist sesibilities were appalled! Then I calmed down and remember to pray. Ummm hello?? Isn't that the most important thing I've learned? It's truely best to go to God and lay it all out. Asking him to imprint on me and to have the Holy Spirit convict me of what is right for me. That is truely the only way to know what God intended for me. I needed the Holy Spirit to guide my thoughts and feelings as I was preparing to take in new information.

So....my next step was to find said bible verse about causing a brother to stumble. I wanted the verse only so that I could look it up in my own bible. I found it.

Romans 14:13.

Here is what my bible said.

"Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way."

Wow. The first part of that I love. In my circle of friends - well, I'll be honest. In the majority of Christians, judgment is thick. It's not specifically stated, but more implied. Or maybe I'm just paranoid and it's not there at all! But regardless I've felt it. Judgment based on lower class. Judgements of rednecks and hillbillies. Judgment of Yuppies and Richies....Judgement on people "living in sin", judgment on those who just live life a little differently.

The first part also dealt with a topic I touched on in my last post. That I changed myself because of the way my new circle of friends viewed me and my "mom" status. Ummmmm...right there it states to stop passing judgment. When this verse is quoted, by both web sites and people I know in real life, that first part is always skipped over. Convenient.

So then I look at the last part. Do not put any stumbling block in your brothers way. I like that. I took it as - do not intentionally go to your brother and try to make him fail. Don't set up your friends for failure.

Side note: the majority of bosses I've worked for could learn from that verse right there.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch:

Here is the part I don't like and havn't been convicted to believe otherwise. Adults are adults. They are VERY capable of making decisions. Good and Bad. So I look at it as if I dress sexy, or post sexy pictures, it is up to the other adults reading my blog to decide if they want to look. I'll be honest, I want people to look. Men and women. I like attention. I prefer only positive ones who look to build my self esteem by commenting. But I will take the good with the bad.

But I was still not sure. Am I making my brother stumble? I mean, adults are adults. But I don't want to go against God. So I decided to read the entire chapter that brought forth said verse to clarify my confusion. I suggest all should read this personally, from their own bible so that when they comment on my post I am certain we have all read the same thing. If you don't own a bible, please let me know and I will mail you one.

I'm going to state my own interpretation. It talks about not judging A LOT. It uses the example of religions who allow foods and those that don't. Who is right, who is wrong. But in verse 5 it states that

"Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind."

That's that Holy Spirit conviction I was talking about.

It also goes on to say if one persons does something and views it as special, so does the lord. If someone else does something similar and views it as special, so does the Lord.

To me that means that even though you did something different, both area special to the Lord. It doesn't make either thing MORE special. It also goes on to say that we are each personally accountable to the Lord. So don't worry about what your brother does, they will deal with it one on one with God.

Verse 15 - and I'm saying this in my own words - please read it for your self -

Says that if your friend is upset because of what you do, you are not acting in love. Don't let what you do destroy your friend.

Ergo another conflict for me. I say that what I do shouldn't upset my friends. That because of their love for me they won't be upset, but happy for me. I'll be the first to admit that my line of thought is selfish. But how I feel nontheless.

Then it starts talking about food again. Which irritates me. I start thinking. Are you kidding me? How am I supposed to take this? Am I supposed to substitute HNT pictures for the word food? Is that what God intended for me to do?

Or was this written, for all intents and purposes, to address food? GRRRRRRRRRR.... That will be one thing that God will explain to me in Heaven, I'm sure. It's on both of our "to be clarified" lists.

So, ergo, I pray again for Holy Spirit conviction. But I'm not getting any convicting vibes. I rest on the last part of the last verse.

Verse 22

"...because eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin."

So as long as I am fully convinced that those HNT pics are not wrong, then I am acting in faith, and I am all good.

Ergo - after prayer and turning to my bible and God I am ok with it. There is no guilt in taking those pics. There is no guilt in sharing those pics. I am not doing it with the intention of causing a brother to stumble, but with the intention of building up my self esteem and sex life. Issues which I have prayed that God provide a way to make them better. And it seems He has.

Amen.

There should be no guilt in feeling sexy.

There, I've said it. Outloud. In front of everyone. Well, not everyone because I think only two people read my blog. But still.

Recently I've been caught up in being an "ideal" mom. Being an "ideal" wife. I've been dressing appropriatly for all occastions. Choosing outfits that don't show my cleavage or modifying ones that do. Not wearing anything super short. Letting my hair grown back to it's natural color.

Ok - I'm going to talk about sex. Stop reading if you feel it would be TMI. I'm giving you fair warning. I don't want anyone coming up to me and saying - "I can't believe you wrote that. I'm very disgusted" If you are easily disgusted stop reading now.

My sex life has had many peaks and valleys throughout the course of my marriage. My sex life has been at its best when I felt sexy. When I was doing HNT. When I was hearing others, not just my husband, tell me I looked hot. That made our sex life crazy!! Off the hook! My going after him agressivly every single day! We were happy, horny and satisfied with life.

Then my guilt kicked in. Comments from other mothers and wives about the inappropriatness of it. Guilt from the pulpit. So I tried to carry that on without - sigh - without feeling sexy.

Why does it take all that to make me feel sexy? DH is away a lot during the week. When he gets home, he is tired. Doesn't really have the energy to make me feel sexy. The sexiest comment I get from him recently is "Are you going to service me tonight?" Yeah, that's a huge libido killer right there.

My idenity as a women gets lost. It's nice to have reminders that even though I'm a bit heavy - even though I'm not the best house cleaner - I'm still a sexy woman.

Am I the only woman that needs to feel sexy? I mean, what's so wrong with that? Is there something I should be, besides write sexy posts and take HNT pics? Should I start doing my other blog again? Or am I crossing another moral boundry?

NKOTB 2009

That's right. You read it. I went to see New Kids On The Block for the first time last night.

It was a riot. Liza won tickets (as usual) and call to the day before yesterday to le me know I needed to find a sitter. DH stepped up and offered to work late on Mondy so he could be home on Tuesday to watch the kids.

Fantastik.

So yesterday me, Liza, another toepick, Liza's brother, his wife and her friend all drove up to Blossom.

There was a dance crew first, then some little kid that sangs 2 songs I knew. Then NKOTB. They have all aged very well. However Jon hasn't aged at all. We only saw him on the screens once that night. We, obviously, were at the back of the lawn.

But we danced and sang our hearts out. Mostly we laughed.

One pet peeve at Blossom is that anyone that performs there wants to call us Cleveland. It's not Cleveland. It's Cuyahoga Falls. But that just doesn't roll off the tongue like Cleveland I guess.

I didn't take any pictures, Liza took them all. So if she e-mails me I will post them.

Of course I got home around 1 - and I had promised DH some "Mommy and Daddy time". So I wasn't able to sleep until around 2 - and my eyes are on fire this morning. Oh well. It was worth it.

Totally Fun. All through the concernt I kept thinking that I would rather be praising God.

Another Big Fat Slap in the Face...

Wow....I am having a crappy week. I'm still dealing with major Drama from my sisters divorce. Being sucked in to the horrible high schoolish void has brought things to light that are very hurtful to me and I am trying to shove those feelings back into a dark corner in the back of my mind where I don't have to address them.

On top of that I found out today that the appraisal for our property didn't come in high enough for us to do what we want. We are still awaiting the actual appraisal so we don't know specifically why...but it was a crushing blow non the less.

I am feeling very emotional and angry today. I have held on to faith for so long. I have been the one to tell DH that he must have faith!! The Lord knows what we need. The Lord will provide...yadda yadda yadda yackity smackity.

I'm starting to believe that this is the best I'm gonna get. This is it. Because of choices that I made earlier in life - this is what I get.

I guess it's not that bad. A roof over my head. My belly is full. My kids are healthy and clothed. I'm just being selfish by asking for more.

I honestly try not to ask for much. I don't mind if I don't get anything for myself. I don't look for birthday or christmas presents.

But a secret small little place inside of me is begging. Please. Please. Please. Just let me have something really nice. A house of my own. A place that isn't over run by clutter and has complete floors, and no broken windows, and no drywall that needs replaced. Enough drawers in the kitchen for towels and utensils and silverwear. And a place for an effing dining room table. I would LOVE to have a table we could sit at and eat dinner together.

Sigh. Big Fat Sigh.

So we now have a new game plan. We are going to rent a pod thingie and move things out and re do rooms here. Eliminate clutter. Replace flooring. Replace drywall. Fix electrical outlets.

And live here. In this single wide trailer I HATE with a passion. For another 5 years. With DH being in a perpetual depression because he feels like he is working for nothing.

I will try to post pics of the work we are doing. To remind myself of how it used to look and how far we make it go. Maybe in 20 years, when we finnaly get our dream house, we will look back and say - wow - look how far we've come.

Book Recommendation

I just finished reading a FABULOUS book. everyne is beautiful by Katherine Center. Wow.

Fan effing Tastik.

A brief synopsis I took from booksonboard.com is

Lanie Coates just piled everything she owns into a U-Haul and drove with her husband, Peter, and their three boys (all under four) across the country. She’s left her parents, her friends, and all of the comforts of home behind–all because Peter is going to graduate school. Lanie wants to support him while he follows his dreams, but she suspects she’s ignoring her own. Unable to shake the feeling that important aspects of her pre-mom life have gone missing, Lanie decides it’s time to change her life, but can she find herself without losing everything she holds dear in the process?

This book really hit home with me. I've talked about my fight with depression and I wish I had this book 2 years ago to let me know that everything I was feeling wasn't weird.

This book truely captures what it's like to be a mom of multiple kids and how you lose yourself. I love how she handles finding herself. I love her views on marriage. I fell in love with all of the characters.

This is totally out of my "romance" block that I usually read. I hope someone else reads this so that we can gush about how right on the author is. If you have read it, please let me know.

A visit from your neighborhood appraiser

Ok, so as part of the home building process we have to have our property appraised. See what value of our property plus the new home equals what we need to borrow.

So on Monday I spoke to the appraiser. A very nice lady who told me that she was going to try to come out on Tuesday, but it would probably be Wednesday. I said no problem, if I leave on Wednesday, I will make sure my dogs are in the house.

That quickly, it went out of my mind. So Tuesday morning, I'm sitting at my computer, with my front door open, in my pajamas drinking some tea. My children were outside in their underwear.

Please note: my children playing in their underwear is an every day thing. They are both young, and we live in the middle of the woods. No one can see them but me, and I see them naked. So in their mind, underwear is equal to clothes.

Now that you have this visual......as I am sipping my tea I hear my dogs starting to bark. I sit up straight as I realize what they are barking about. I run to the door and yell to my kids to come in. I'm frantically waving my arms yelling for them to come in. My daughter keeps giving me a very quizzical look and saying "Why?". I said that we had company company and they were in their underwear. She said "So what?"

Before I could walk out and beat correct her, in pulls the appraiser. So I apologize to her about the state of my children and their undress. She laughs and says no problem.

She gets her stuff out and goes about her business, then yells a question to me. "Are you guys selling part of this off?"

At first I didn't know what she was talking about. Then I remembered...in my front yard DH had done some dozer work so it was all tilled up. Then, while I was grocery shopping, he took one of my real estate signs (remember, I used to practice real estate and am still a licensed realtor)and set the sign up in the tilled dirt.

Now, I'm sure you are thinking....why would he do that? What logical reason could he have for putting a realtor sign in their yard? No one can see it? We would never think of selling.

He put the sign in the yard TO SHOOT IT. He bought a new gun. He didn't have any targets to shoot at, so he took my sign out of the shed, put it into the ground, and shot it up.

As I explained this to the appraiser, I know she could hear banjo's in her head.

Wait, it gets better.

She continues doing her job....then starts kinda hopping over to me. I look down at her foot to see what happened.....yep, big pile of dog poopie.

She was wearing sandels.

I offer to turn on the hose for her, but that wasn't good enough. She needed to come in and wash it off.

Did I mention I hadn't done the breakfast dishes? Or picked up my kids after breakfast mess? Hadn't swept my kitchen floor? Needed to take the trash out??

Yeah, I'm curious to see what our places appraiser for now, LOL.

Life Groups

Our church encourages its members to join Life Groups. Because we only meet on Sunday mornings, this provides an opportunity to get together with other like minded people and share life together.

Some people have really fab life groups. They are truely doing life together.

Ours....not so much.

Now this isn't anyones fault, per se. But something happened this week that really made this weigh on my mind.

Our life group leader was in a motorcycle accident on Friday. I didn't know about it until Sunday, at church, where I saw him all banged up.

This got me thinking....if something major happened in my life, would I contact anyone in my life group to tell them? I mean, theoretically that's what we are supposed to do. That's part of doing life together.

My answer is no, I wouldn't. And that makes me very sad. I feel like I'm missing out on something.

The only time we really see our life group is when we have our meetings. We don't "do life" together.

Who am I kidding? We don't even do life at our meetings. There is very little interaction and about 5% of sharing what is going on in our lives. I guess because I'm a put it all out there kind of girl, I think that others should too.

I don't know if there are excercises we should do as a group to bring us closer or if I'm just in the wrong group. I crave deep discussions. The ones that my "non-christian" friends and I have around a campfire, or at each others kitchen tables.

It would be nice to know that I could call on them in the middle of the night, but they would be the last I would contact.

I'm praying about it. Maybe God will send me a sign. Maybe, if the Lord wills, we get our new place we will start our own.

Who knows?

Wow I've been slacking off...

Yeah, it's been since February since I last blogged. So much going on. Plus my life is pretty boring, and I don't have many things to talk about.

EXCEPT.....

We are in the process of getting a loan to build a place. Well, buy a modular home and have them truck it in and set it up on our property.

We had a sermon last week which reminded us that it's all in God's hands.

So If The Lord Wills (my current favorite saying)we will be in our new place by the end of October.

Little man has started the SPARKS program in lieu of pre-school.

I'm still couponing and doing pretty well at it. I'm actually doing a blog with a friend about it. I may post a link at a later date.

I'm down 6 lbs....and actually focused on eating right.

My sister is going thru a divorce and that is so much drama it deserves its own post.

Other than that...nothing much new.

Now, if I can only remember to blog more....

The most exciting thing to happen this week...

I got a new purse. Yup, that's how hum drum my life is. I'm excited over a purse. It's not a prada or anything like that. Just a cheapo Walmart purse. But it's new, and I have a purse fetish..so I'm happy right now.

I'm praying about some decisions I need to make regarding direct sales companies, so please pray for me as well.

I was out of power for 2 full days, and the health department would condemn my house right now, so I should be cleaning instead of blogging.

My DH got me roses for Valentines Day. My Drama Queen daughter looked at my roses, started crying and said - "But I didn't get anything for Valentines Day!" Luckily my mom had mailed her and my son a card, and my MIL had sent them stuff for Valentines Day. I'll give that to them in a bit and maybe she will be overjoyed.

Ok...here are my goals for February - I know we are already two weeks in but better late than never:

1. Master the art of couponing and actually grocery shop instead of just buy what we need.

2. Clean and purge my cupboards in my kitchen.

3. Burn my candles to prepare for the massive amount I'm going to get at my partylite party.

4. Lose 5 lbs.

5. Get my home out of C.H.A.O.S. (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome)

Bonus: Blog more often.

Update on Sex Sermons and various little things in my life

I was speaking to a new good friend today and she, eh hem, oh so politely reminded me that I haven't blogged for awhile.

So today I am blogging.

DH and I started the sex challenge, but we've only done the sex part of it. We still have to do the emotional needs survey, and the journal. So we will be journaling several nights after everyone else.

Just for the record DH and I decided that as crazy as our lives are, and how often he's NOT at home, we weren't going to strive for 30 days of sex every night, but we would agree on a challenge of a minimum of 2 times a week, with the bonus points if we do it more than that.

That's enough to make him happy, and me not feel pressured to perform even if I'm exhaused. Although we've already used our two times, so I'm guessing that this will be a week with a few bonuses. LOL

On the mom front I went out on a limb today. I asked my new good friend if she wanted to come over to help me clean tomorrow for my Sensaria party. She's busy until 2, but might come over after that.

That was a HUGE thing for me. I don't even let Liza come over to help me. I love Liza, but I just can't imagine her coming over to help me clean and organize. My new good friend just has that vibe about her that she's totally cool about it, and it's something that she would enjoy. Liza and I would probably end up doing everything but clean and organize. Plus I live pretty far from Liza, and she has a pretty full plate right now, with working extra hours, and getting her oldest on and off the bus...so our schedules don't jive much right now, except on weekends.

I am really worried about the party though. My pastor's wife will be doing it, and I'm afraid that she will take one look at my place and be like "I like Countess and all, but I am NOT letting my kids play over there". I mean, I do my dishes, and sweep and vacuum my floor, but there are places on my kitchen floor that my dog has chewed, and places on my carpet the dog has chewed, and I've house broke about 7 dogs here. But I've carpet scrubbed my carpet, and I never let the messes sit or anything. It's never smelled like pee or poop at my house. It might smell a bit like dog...but never poop.

Oh well. It is what it is, and we are stuck with it for 5 more years. So there is no sense in not letting anyone over EVER, which is DH's thought. If someone isn't comfortable, then they don't have to come over, right???

Ok, that's enough updating for now. I have but a brief time to nap, so I'm going to take advantage of it.

So I got some interesting answers and things to talk about from last night.

Last night a group of us girls from church met for dinner and conversation. While a bit awkward for me, all around it was a good time.

I had given a lift to our Pastor's wife and was dropping her off when the interesting part began. My pastor and his wife are very young, and that is very nice for DH and I.

They are also very progressive thinking (compared to my Grandpa) and are both very knowledgeable.

The main thing I learned last night is that while you can be shown where it agrees or disagrees with something in the bible, the holy spirit must convict you in order for it to be real.

That makes SOOO much more sense to me. The hard part is being open for the holy spirit to move.

Then I came home, and got up this morning to surprise my hubby with a little something something before he had to go to work. But he started talking and quickly convinced me that he didn't deserve such a nice thing, and that I had married a selfish, control freak, asshole husband.

Am I surprised? No.

Sex Sermon Starts Sunday

Oooo...that's almost a tongue twister. I'm looking forward to it. I'm hoping it will open communication regarding our sex life. Don't get me wrong, sex is good. But it could be better. More intense.

I'm still waiting to hit my "30's" peak that Liza is always going on about. Maybe it's because she's thin? I don't know. My body isn't craving sex all the time. As a matter of fact my libido is kinda low.

It was higher when I was doing HNT pics. But I've stopped doing them because I'm morally confused.

Sometimes morality is a great big stick in the mud.

The sex sermon

Our church is doing a sermon in February about sex and intimacy in marriage. I have been lucky enough to be asked to be part of an "advisory" panel to let the pastors know what people think of certain aspects of the sermon prior to preaching it.

So we all met Sunday night. It was the head pastor and his wife, the youth pastor and his wife, and about 4 other couples, then myself and DH.

All and all it was a good time. I like to think that everyone shared openly.

There is one gentleman, we shall call him Mr. Smug, or Smugsy. It's a good thing that our worlds don't cross very often. I could see some very heated discussions. He is of the belief that, according to the bible, wives are to submit to their husbands and basically do as they say.

Hmmm...I have major issue with that. Which if I express that it opens up a WHOLE big can of worms regarding my thoughts on the bible.

So, lets hope for now Smugsy and I keep our relationship to a polite hello on Sunday mornings.

Did I mention Smugsy and Mrs. Smugsy are part of the "beautiful people" of the church. Yeah that doesn't help his case with me either.

Man I have a lot to work on. This blog was SUPPOSED to be about the sex sermon. I better log off before I say more.