My heart is wrenched.....

I just finished a book called "Still Life with Husband" by Lauren Fox.

It's about a married woman who has always done the right thing, and then she meets this man, and decides to embark upon an affair.

I'm not going to go into to much detail, but I couldn't put this book down. My emotions went up and down with this novel. I don't know if it's because I related to the character from page one, or what exactly got me on this, but, damn. My heart is breaking and I'm done with the book. It's a gut wrencher.


It's very real and very true in regards to all aspects of friendships, marriages and family.

I highly recommend this book to everyone. This will be one I'll remember for a long, long time.

It's not like I was hiding it...

I'm a slob. I think I've made references to this before. It's not that I'm against neat and orderly things. If you were to see my desk and office at work, you would never believe I'm a snob.

At work, I have a place for everything, and everything in its place. I've very organized and can find what I need in a matter of seconds.

However, to see my true self you only have to look at my jeep. Even from the outside. I have mud splashed up the side. Clear up to the handle. And I don't really care.

If you open the doors, you will find a binder, a bit of trash, and lots of kids toys. Some cracker crumbs, and pop tart remains.

In the very back, I have a blanket, some bubble bath that fell out of the bag last shopping trip, a large box that contains my new mailbox, some kids clothes, a few things of oil, and an ice scraper.

So I don't really think about this, because this is me...this is how I am....

But Liza's cousin decided to help my daughter into her car seat last night, and the look on her face was total horror. She just kept saying...Countess?? Countess....what happened?

I just said, don't mind the mess....I have better things to do then stand in the freezing cold and clean my car out, or wash my car.

Man, that sounds wrong even to me.

So I went home and cleaned my living room and my kitchen....at 9:00 at night.....and I made my kids help.

No wonder I'm on medication - I've got issues

Can we say therapy?

From: Countess
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2008 8:06 AM
To: Sa Sa
Subject: Drama

Yeah….DH and I got into a huge fight last night, but not about that. Actually it wasn’t much of a fight, it was more me screaming and him sitting there with his head down. It’s still has no resolution, but I don’t think there is one…

From: Sa Sa
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2008 8:10 AM
To: Countess
Subject: Re: Drama


What was it about….and if he had his head down then that means you were probably really brutal!!

Liza wants to borrow the book club book?? If so than she should read it first b/c I’m not in the mood to read it yet!! I think I will read it the first week in April

From: Countess
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2008 8:06 AM
To: Sa Sa
Subject: Drama

Well, I had a lot of running I had to do yesterday. So I talked to him and asked him if he could get the kids. He said he didn’t think it would be a problem, but check with him later in the day. I talked to him at 2:30 p.m. I asked him if he could still get the kids, so I could take my time doing my errands. He said, no problem, I’m dropping this trailer right now, and then I’m leaving, so I’ll grab the kids.

Ok, fine.

I get home at 5:00, and he still hasn’t picked the kids up yet. WTF??? Now I’m pissed. So I call him, he’s like, I’m…I’m….I’m on my way….I’ll get them…I thought you had running to do?

I said YEAH, I FREAKING ALREADY DID ALL OF MY SHOPPING AT DRUG MART, AND BROWSED THE LIBRARY, AND STILL FREAKIN BEAT YOU HOME TO GET THE KIDS…

His response? Whatever….

So I said goodbye and hung up. I grab my kids, where SIL informs me that DH is out buying parts for HIS FREAKIN TRAILER. Ummm…hello. If you needed to buy parts for your trailer you should have told me, and I would have gone and got the kids….

So when he got home, he was like…so are you going to tell me what I did wrong? Because I don’t know why you are so upset.

WTF? You don’t know why I’m mad? Well I’ll tell you. I can’t fucking count on you….that’s what. All I ever fucking ask is for PEACE OF MIND that my children are taken care of. I don’t want them at SIL's any longer than what they have to be…and you, you fucking lie and tell me you are on the way to get the children, and I, who had errends to run, still fucking beat you home.

I’m tired of it. I’m tired of everything being whatever if fucking best for DH. DH makes all the decisions for everyone at the house, so that he isn’t inconvenienced. It’s always all about DH, and I’m fucking tired of it.

Then after a few moments of silence, I hear him talking on the phone to Cooter, about the parts he bought. Ummm excuse me. Bought some parts? I spent almost $300 in groceries (including my drug mart run) and our mortgage comes out on the 10th. I had just enough money in there to cover that, and gas for me for the week. Did he fucking think of that?? No, he just takes what he wants, and expects me to make it happen.

Well fuck that, I chewed him out about that too…

Then he put on his boots, and left with Cooter to go work on his trailer. He got home about 8:30, (probably so he didn’t have to put the kids to bed) Shortly after he got home, I asked him to shut everything down, and put the kids to bed, that I was tired from the time change….and I went to bed.

He said, you know I don’t like going to bed with this between us. I said, I don’t mind. I’m not angry anymore. I’m just tired….

And I went to sleep.


From: Sa Sa [mailto:Sarah.Howard@odrc.state.oh.us]
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2008 9:53 AM
To: Countess
Subject: RE: Drama


Wow…..yeah……I feel that your right to be angry….he always does this and then he gets mad if you aren’t home everyday “waiting” for him!! He doesn’t have a right to be…. I mean he is always doing something everyday!!

And I wouldn’t want your kids at SIL's more than what they have to either….I think Demon Nephew is a bad influence on Princess!!

And he knew that what he was doing was going to make you upset otherwise why didn’t he tell you what he was going to do…..or call you when it became 4:00 to say he was running late….and at 2:30 he was dropping the trailer off?? So it took him 3 hours to buy the parts?? He is so stubborn that I don’t think he is ever going to realize what he is doing is wrong in the relationship and instead of looking at what he is doing he is blaming you….like you are being too hard on him!! I mean I see some of the things that he says that you guys need to work on….but Your things are way more important and would create a bigger impact on the marriage!!

I can totally see your frustration….and I don’t know how you could approach it to DH b/c I’m not sure what would work….your sarcasm and hatefulness obviously isn’t working….although it gets him thinking for a minute (note: obviously just a minute if he wasn’t bothered by it that much….to call Cooter and get his mind back on that darn trailer instead of the problem at hand) and then when HE wanted to deal with it (at bed time) that is when he wanted you to talk about it….not (during the day when he could be out doing something) when the problem was on the table!!

I think you guys need to set a time where you can lay all the problems on the table and get them resolved….and that should be the 1st step and the 2nd step is to seek professional help!! Don’t make me call Dr. Phil!!

From: Countess
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2008 10:01 AM
To: Sa Sa
Subject: RE: Email


That’s just it. Anytime I bring up issues I get one of two responses. 1 is that I need to discuss my feelings with my Dr., because obviously my medication needs adjusted, or “I need to realize that he doesn’t enjoy what he is doing when he is out and about. It’s called work, and he is doing it to better our family”

How can I argue with that?

Also, in regards to him wanting me to be home waiting….not only does he want that, but he wants me home everyday, so that he isn’t hindered by the kids and can go do what he wants.


Do you think it’s a coincidence that his dump truck and his brat are only 2 seaters. Convenient that he can’t take both kids, isn’t it? Sometimes not even one kid, because he has someone else going with him.

I’ve suggested just that…us discussing our issues, and he is all for it, but I can’t ever seem to pin him down to a date and time.

From: Sa Sa [mailto:Sarah.Howard@odrc.state.oh.us]
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2008 10:17 AM
To: Countess
Subject: RE: Email

Yeah it’s like if he ignores the issues then there are none…..out of sight out of mind kind of thing!!

Well if he wants to pull the “What I am doing is to better our family” than all I can say to you is get something that you can say the same thing!! Than maybe he will realize that it sucks being cooped up in the house with the kids all of the time!! (but you would have to find something that brought in more money than say the skids!!)

But most of the time that I notice….he is doing something that he wants to do……..I mean how does it benefit the family if his trailer is in 100% working order…..do you guys use it a lot??

Maybe if you do the same things that he does…than he will realize what he is doing……..for example…..next time you get groceries make him stay home with the kids….and stay out for more than 2 hours!! Stuff like that!! Than maybe when he starts into you about how long you were out….and it shouldn’t take that long to go grocery shopping you can say….I decided to use "DH time"…..it sucks doesn’t it!!! Oh wait that’s hateful isn’t it…….hmmmm so it should be easy for you hahahahahahahahaha j/k



From: Countess
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2008 10:24 AM
To: Sa Sa
Subject: RE: Email

Been there, done that, and got “Whatever, why do you have to be such a bitch?”

I would love to be out there making the extra money, but I’m not going to pay a sitter…and DH just does what he wants and expects me to take care of the kids….

And regarding the trailer. That was my point exactly. I mean, he NEVER uses the bocat any place other than home, so why do we need the trailer fixed so bad?

Because his bobcat was stuck at Rachel Rays (ha ha) and he needed it home to unload skids..

Ummm..really, because last I checked he brought those home in a dump trailer, and just dumped them out…

Hmmmmm

See what I mean, I don’t see any positive solution…..so I don’t know what to do…

From: Sa Sa
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2008 10:47 AM
To: Countess
Subject: RE: Email


Yeah and he doesn’t want to listen to what he does that doesn’t make sense!! Like fixing the trailer “Right Now” when you guys only use it to haul the bobcat!! And you really don’t take the bobcat anywhere but around the house….usually.

From: Countess
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2008 10:57 AM
To: Sa Sa
Subject: RE: Email

To sum it all up, here are his issues, in no particular order:

1) Selfishness
2) Poor Time Management
3) Unable to prioritize
4) Does not help around the house, because he feels that his doing the wood is much more difficult than keeping up the house

So basically he wants a woman whose sole joy in life is to make her man comfortable and happy, to always be waiting for direction from him, to get his permission on attending classes, or groups, or joining any exercise classes, while working a full time job, and taking care of the kids, cooking dinner at a reasonable time each night, those dinners to be low calorie and have lots of interesting vegetable side dishes, so that he doesn’t have to think about portion control, keeping the house completely clean, feeding the dogs and giving the proper doses of medication, schedule and take all of the children to any and all doctor appointments, changing all poopy diapers, drop children off at day care and pick children up from day care, take off work when children are sick, and washing, drying, folding and putting away EVERYONEs clothes.


And if he so much as folds one washcloth or carries his own dish to the kitchen, he wants major kudos about what a GREAT husband he is, and that he knows that he does SOOOO much more than other men around him…



Then the e-mail went into convincing me to go into marriage counseling. Maybe I do need to...I dunno....

Dream Journal

My dear friends, I must record this dream, and as I forgot my journal at home, well here is my second choice.

The dream may bore you, but I think it has a lot of little details that I need to examine.

For anyone that can help interperate please post a comment with your thoughts.

The dream starts at my dad's old trailer, except its all beat up and falling apart. I'm walking out of the hallway into the kitchen. I see two small red tree frogs. I make a comment to my step mom like "how did they get in here, don't they hibernate?"

She just shrugged and I stepped over them. Then I turned around and saw that the frogs were swollen. I yelled to my dad "why are these frogs swollen?" He said "Its the maggots, watch they'll explode from them here in a minute"

I was like - but they are still alive!!

He said, yeah, but there isn't anything we can do. So I watched the frogs and they started to swell up even more, and then opened their mouths and spit out - POTATO CHIPS!!

I was like - Daaaddd....they spit potato chips!

He said, the maggots must not like the chips....

So then I go to sit down by him on the couch, leaving the swollen frogs in the kitchen.

When I sit down by him (the couch was even our old couch) I started coughing...then I started coughing up these little black round things...

One time when I coughed it landed on my dad's foot...

I apologized and he said....that's okay, but it looks like you have the maggots....

I was like, dang it....I guess I better go to the hospital.

Then all of the sudden we were in my grandma's house (which my aunt now lives in), but my dad lived in it.

I went upstairs to change my clothes for the hospital. The only thing I could find that fit was an old fashioned lace dress....so I put it on, but I didn't have any shoes, so I had to go barefoot. I remember feeling really embarrassed about it.

My step mom yells at me to come and watch the TV, it's talking about the maggots. Meanwhile, I'm coughing up these black things the whole time. I'm just coughing them into a towel.

There is a TV program on about how the maggots are a new breed, and they reside in everyone. However if you eat something that angers them or makes them feel threatened they stick their tail through your esophageus and throat and spikes come out. It's not painful, but can be deadly. When you cough, the black things that come out are the heads of just a small few of them.

Flash, I'm walking down some stairs into the hospital. I remember that I was still barefoot, but I wasn't wearing the dress. I was wearing jeans and t-shirt. There were 2 other girls with me, and in my dream I knew that we were friends, but I have no idea who they were.

The hospital looked like an old Walmart that had been sectioned off. No one would tell me where the emergency room was. Everytime I asked someone they said "does it look like I'm on break? Do I have my purse in here?"

Finally someone directed us, and on the way we passed a booth where they are selling jewelry. The one girl with me accidentally knocks off a display and necklaces go flying. All three of us scramble to pick up the necklaces and make sure they weren't broken in the fall. We gather them up and return them to the lady in the booth.

She says that we have to wait for them to be inspected to verify that no stones were missing, or that we didn't swap them for fakes. I told her I couldn't wait, that I had the maggots and I had to go to the emergency room. She said she didn't care, that we all had to wait.

So after awhile a guy produces this paper and declares this is one of the tests, that there are 3 more. I hand him my business card (which was from my old job) and tell him to call me if he needed me, that I had to go to the emergency room. I told the other girls to just meet up with me later.

So then I get to the emergency room and there are two old ladies checking people in.

She described to me the loan I can use to pay for my medical expenses. I told her I had insurance. She said that she doesn't know if they will accept insurance, that I had to sign to agree to the loan. I said - WHATEVER, I'll sign it, I just need to get rid of these maggots.

Then she wrote a book recommendation on top of my sign in sheet.

Then I went to wait. After waiting until past midnight, and decided to leave - because I had to go to work tomorrow....so I started to walk out, and I was torn between getting treated, and going to work. Then I hear them calling my name. I run back in, and they say, no we meant Countess Dorfen. I was like...oh...that's not me, but I'll stay. I need to find out how to get rid of these maggots.

Then my alarm went off.

Weird, weird weird - and no I wasn't watching animal channel, or medical anything before I went to bed. I watched my Flavor of Love that I had DVR'd...

Do it again and die bitch!!

So last night I went back to hell Zumba class.

The class is 2 nights a week, and hopefully it will help me to get rid of some of these fat rolls extra inches.

About 1 minute into the first routine my body said "Wait a minute...I remember this, and this is bullshit. I told you - do it again and die bitch!!"

So I died last night. Yep, I'm writing to you from heaven. It's nice up here. Everyone is fat, and you get to eat all the chocolate you want, and have sex with whomever you want....and various other pleasures.

Oh wait, that was just my fantasy last night. Ok, back to hell Zumba.

I really hate my teacher. She's really perky, but she looks really stupid doing the moves. But then again, so do I, and the majority of the class.

And so help me, if one more skinny bitch joins our class I'm going to throw myself on the ground and have a hissy fit. I mean, give me a break!! Go lift weights or something to tone. Stop crowding in with the chubby people!!

Can't until class tomorrow!

You never know how much you appreciate your own children until you watch someone else's.

I, in a moment of insanity, agreed to watch 3 of my sister's 4 children.

So that means that all evening on Friday and all day Saturday I had my daughter - Princess Drama(3), her son - Austonio (3), Her other son - Tay Tay (22 months), My son - Prince Drama, and my beautiful, wonderful baby niece - Rissa Roo (2 months).

Whew, ok...so for the most part, aside from my daughters curtains being yanked down, and all of her toys thrown into the middle of the room, along with her blankets....She and Austonio did just fine.

However, Prince Drama and Tay Tay got along like oil and water. Both are at the age where they think they are entitled to everything, and will not share. So there was a lot of screaming, and hitting and kicking.

You should have seen the look on their face when I would kick them!! Wooo Hooo....makes me laugh just to think about it.

But my little Rissa Roo....ahhh....to hold her on my chest while she slept...it almost made me want another one...

But then I remembered...those little one, grow up into bigger ones, that take the little frying pan from the Dora kitchen, and scoop all of the water out of the toilet and onto the bathroom floor, then shove a roll a toilet paper and flush.........

Ahhhhh...if my DH wasn't fixed I would have cut his nuts myself....