FAKER!!

For once I'm not talking about orgasms. If I were I would limit it to my other blog. No, today I'm talking about putting on fake personas.

Last night we had a Girlfriends night at our church. It was a lot of fun, we made necklaces, and talked about breast cancer and won a lot of great prizes.

However, I was extremely uncomfortable the minute I walked in. At first I thought it was my anxiety kicking in. If I hadn't got control over it quickly, it probably would have turned into a full blown panic attack.

I feel woefully inadequate to the women in my church. There are several "cliques" I guess you could say. Which I'm sure is the same at any church. But the one I keep getting looped in with is what I call the "beautiful people". These are the women who are thin and wear trendy clothes. Their hair is perfectly styled and make up looks completely natural.

I'm sure most of you have figured out, I am NOT thin nor do I wear trendy clothes. I'm lucky if my hair is brushed and I have makeup on.

So I'm looking around at the women standing and talking to each other in their trendy clothes, and I realize that I have NO ONE to talk to.

The other group/clique are the homeschooling moms. I would say that 80% of the women in my church homeschool their kids. Amazingly my pastor's wife does not. But I feel like such a poop because I work.

Just another kick to my already deflated self esteem.

So now I have my fake smile pasted on as I make my way to my seat to hopefully blend into my chair. I keep thinking that I hope no one notices that I have no one to talk to.

I have now officially put on my "fake Bekki". I feel completely artificial when anyone approaches me and asks me any type of questions. I feel as though they are weighing and judging every word I say. The color of my lipstick while they watch my lips move. The height of my neckline. I could go on and on.

This is a common problem. I hear people say all the time that is why they quit going to church. Or why they don't go to church.

I realized that the women there probably aren't judging me. At least most of them aren't. They probably have the same insecurities that I do. Or different insecurities.

I'm sure I just need to get to know them better and I need to quit being so critical of myself and others. This is my prayer for today:

Lord, please help me to see myself and others in my church in a more positive light. Help me to make friends in my community that I have a lot in common with.

Oh yeah, and Lord - please give all of the beautiful people pimples. In Jesus name, Amen.

(Disclaimer: I'd never ask the Lord to smite someone with any amount of seriousness, I am just joking)