Here's a dilemma...

So my BFF Liza shared a secret with me. A pretty major secret. A BFF type of secret. I will not display her secret here. However, it then prompted me to share a secret with her. In a roundabout way.

I feel so exposed. Which is ridiculous. Liza knows all of my innermost everything. I watched her child being born. I've seen her vagina!! I mean, who is closer to me? No one.

So why do I feel so scared and exposed and nervous? Why don't I want her to read what I wrote until I leave her house?

I think that I never really relax around anyone. I relax the most around her...but I still guard myself a bit from her. I completely tore that down. So I am now not keeping ANYTHING from her.

Whew, so there. I feel better getting that out. Now....we'll see what she says to what I wrote.

I see the light!!!

Yeah!!! Saturday night I got my power back. What a blessing! I have to give all the glory to God that my family and I made it through that without killin each other.

I will be gone most of this week. I have training in PA for work. I'll be gone Wednesday and Thursday.

I know you are all worried about how you will live without me...but I trust you.

YOU CAN DO IT!!

I need some encouragement on my weight loss dream. I'm really slacking, and my self esteem is showing it. I did get my hair cut, and I love it - so that helped a bit.

I got irritated for the first time at members of my church. I made it 9 months before I got irritated at someone. That's pretty good, right?

I'm trying to be witting and funny, but I'm tooo tired. I need themes for each day of the week so that I have a topic. I'm open to suggestions

Did you know?

That if you have a Verizon Razr and you set the alarm, it will not go off if you have a text?

That when pressed I can do in 20 minutes what I usually do in 45 mins. (Non sexual, of course)

That I can be convinced to take another rescue, even though it's only 10 weeks old and not housebroken?

That you can slice a chunk out of your finger with the same disposable razor you use to shave your legs?

That because of said chunk missing you will score 74 on a typing test that you know you could have scored 98?

That not putting out to your spouse can cause them to be EXTRA grouchy?

That a woman can wear men's deodorant, and no one will notice? (I couldn't find mine, and I didn't have time to search)

That Lipton Green Tea doesn't taste to bad room temp?

Ok, that's enough of that. Sornie - I hope I don't beat your record. If I do, I know it is because you jinxed me!!

Livin in an Amish Paradise....

I STILL don't have power. Yep, it's Wednesday and I've been without power now for 4 days.

I'm getting so tired of lugging water up from the creek and washing in the rain barrel.

My kids love peeing outside though. I can't quite get my eyes used to reading by kerosene latern light. Or candle light. So I've been going to bed really early. 9:15 at the latest.

This morning, I was feeling around for my deoderant in my bag, and cut a chunk off the top of my right ring finger with my razor. That's going to make for a really fun typing test. Yeah, part 2 of the civil service exam today, and I now have a major handicapp. That sucks.

Ok, we've had enough trials and attacks, I'm ready for the blessigs. I was discouraged this morning, but I'm feeling more positive the more awake I become. Could be the sugar high from my coffee.

Well, I gotta run, the butter won't churn itself.

...and I'll huff, and I'll puff...

No, my house didn't get blown down, but it felt like it was going to. The wind last night was CRAZY. I'm still without power. It really really sucks.

But here's a weird thing. DH and I met with a financial guy on Friday. His work is based on faith in Jesus Christ. Which I have.

Ok, so he made a comment that stuck in my mind. He said, now that you two have professed your relationship with Christ, and your willingness to make your life prosperous to reflect his goodness (or some such words like that) you will be both attacked spiritually, and blessed spiritually. DH and I waited until he looked away then we rolled our eyes at each other.

I was thinking in my head - Whatever dude, just tell me how I can save enough money to buy or build my house, k?

So that was Friday, fast forward to Sunday. After church DH and I make a little road trip down about 1 hour away from us to purchase a fridge that seemed like a good deal.

It was a good deal because it was in our price range, and it worked. We didn't care about anything else.

So we pick it up and it is awesome!! Water and Ice dispenser works, climate controlled drawers for veggies.....all for $125.00. WOW!! Ok, that is a spiritual blessing. I mean, how fantastic.

We get home and get ready to go to small group. See our church only has service on Sunday mornings. So to keep us from being heathens the rest of the week we have small groups of people get together to discuss the sermon, or other topics weighing on our minds.

Then the wind started to blow.

We came home to an almost disaster.

If we had been home instead of at small group ALL OF OUR VEHICLES WOULD BE INOPERABLE. That's right, all of them. And we have 3. One car was still at home, and did have a tree top snap off and hit it in the center of the hood, leaving a HUGE dent. Luckily this is a work car that doesn't look that great to begin with. I'll try to post pictures tomorrow.

Another trees snapped off in the center and fell onto our driveway RIGHT WHERE WE USUALLY PARK OUR VEHICLES. DH had driven seperately to the small group meeting because he was still installing our fridge when it was time to get there.

Wow....that's just freaky. Thank goodness I've got the Lord on my side.

I hope everyone else made it through the storm.

FAKER!!

For once I'm not talking about orgasms. If I were I would limit it to my other blog. No, today I'm talking about putting on fake personas.

Last night we had a Girlfriends night at our church. It was a lot of fun, we made necklaces, and talked about breast cancer and won a lot of great prizes.

However, I was extremely uncomfortable the minute I walked in. At first I thought it was my anxiety kicking in. If I hadn't got control over it quickly, it probably would have turned into a full blown panic attack.

I feel woefully inadequate to the women in my church. There are several "cliques" I guess you could say. Which I'm sure is the same at any church. But the one I keep getting looped in with is what I call the "beautiful people". These are the women who are thin and wear trendy clothes. Their hair is perfectly styled and make up looks completely natural.

I'm sure most of you have figured out, I am NOT thin nor do I wear trendy clothes. I'm lucky if my hair is brushed and I have makeup on.

So I'm looking around at the women standing and talking to each other in their trendy clothes, and I realize that I have NO ONE to talk to.

The other group/clique are the homeschooling moms. I would say that 80% of the women in my church homeschool their kids. Amazingly my pastor's wife does not. But I feel like such a poop because I work.

Just another kick to my already deflated self esteem.

So now I have my fake smile pasted on as I make my way to my seat to hopefully blend into my chair. I keep thinking that I hope no one notices that I have no one to talk to.

I have now officially put on my "fake Bekki". I feel completely artificial when anyone approaches me and asks me any type of questions. I feel as though they are weighing and judging every word I say. The color of my lipstick while they watch my lips move. The height of my neckline. I could go on and on.

This is a common problem. I hear people say all the time that is why they quit going to church. Or why they don't go to church.

I realized that the women there probably aren't judging me. At least most of them aren't. They probably have the same insecurities that I do. Or different insecurities.

I'm sure I just need to get to know them better and I need to quit being so critical of myself and others. This is my prayer for today:

Lord, please help me to see myself and others in my church in a more positive light. Help me to make friends in my community that I have a lot in common with.

Oh yeah, and Lord - please give all of the beautiful people pimples. In Jesus name, Amen.

(Disclaimer: I'd never ask the Lord to smite someone with any amount of seriousness, I am just joking)

I said I'm sorry for pushing him.

Yesterday, my DH and I were watching an episode of the Dog Whisperer. Most of you remember my intense fascination with Caesar Milan. Ok, maybe not so intense since I'm not sure I spelled his name write, and I don't feel like looking it up.

Anyhow, my two little blessings were outside playing on their swings set and climbing slidey thingy. Pretty soon, the daughter comes running in with the son whimpering behind her.

"Mom, I said I'm sorry to him."

"What? DH, pause the TV. What did you say sorry to your brother for?"

"I said I'm sorry for pushing him off the slide."

"DAUGHTER!!! Which slide did you push him off of?"

"The big one mommy. I said I'm sorry for pushing him off the slide." She is talking about the slide that is about as tall as me. I'm 5'5". It's probably only 5'.

"How far up was he?"

"Really high Mommy"

"Son, come here. Are you hurt? Are you bleeding? Do you have a bump? Scrape? Boo Boo?

"No Mommy, Bubby (He calls his sister Bubby, I don't know why) Bubby push me on slide."

"I know honey, but Mommy needs to know if you are hurt"

"No hurt Mommy, Bubby said Horry" That's not a typo, he replaces H's for S's. He's only two, remember.

"Ok, well maybe you two should come inside and relax for a few minutes."

In unison, "No mommy, we'll be good."

Then they take off flying out the door.

Man I love how tough my kids are.