Parenting Styles

Liza and I had a pretty deep conversation the other night that really got me thinking.

What, exactly, is my parenting style? What are my rules? What are my black, white and grey areas concerning my kids?

I'm reading a FANTASTIC book right now called Making Your Children Mind Withou Losing Yours.

I am totally in sync with this book. I realized that I was already doing a lot of the things in it, and it is giving me ideas of way to correct myself.

I will probably be quoting from this book a lot.

One thing that has helped recently is what to do when they cry and throw a fit. I had tried yelling, whipping, time out - you name it.

But the book suggested that you simply remove them from your presence. They are doing it strictly because they know you are watching.

So now when the crying/whining starts, I simply pick him/her up, calmly tell them that they need to stop, put them in their room and let them know that when they calm down, they can talk to me.

Little man is my most STUBBORN one. Last night I had to put him back in his room 8 times before he quit crying. But it worked. With no beatings and my blood pressure barely went up.

Whew. Now, if I stick with it...it should work.

I'm back at square one

So my house has gone to the dogs in the last few days. I haven't been able to do much because my babies both ran high fevers for two days and just wanted mommy to hold them, and get drinks for them...plus I was EXHAUSTED.

No one else picked up the slack (as if). So everything just piled up. But no worries. DH told me that while he was on layoff HE was going to get our bedroom cleaned up and organized.

Yeah right.

Just like he wouldn't wait 6 months to install my ice and water on my fridge and it's been now.....5 months....He has one month to go.

Whatever. He talks a lot of crap. I think he lives in his own little world where he is the perfect father and husband simply because he works himself to the bone.

I need more. I guess I'm selfish.

What % do u give, and I'm not talking about Christmas gifts.

Today was Storytime at the Library. I look forward to this because I want my little man and my Princess to love books as much as I do. But I also love the interaction with the other moms at the McDonalds afterwards.

Today I was complaining about DH. Well, not really complaining just discussing that I gave in a agreed to not nap, and to clean at least 7 hours of the day.

But I wasn't very gracious about it. I was trying to be positive, but it was difficult.

One of the moms asked me if I feel that I give 100%. Because DH gives more than 100% to provide for us.

I really thought about it.

I don't.

I'm not sure why. I guess because my definition of 100% is going non stop and cleaning and organizing and having my home look like Liza's.

But I don't know that I have it in me to give 100%. I can only do so much, and then I get burnt out. And as one of the moms pointed out, eventually the energy drinks won't work anymore.

I don't know what to do.

How do I give 100%? I can never get a clear answer from anyone on how they do it?

I'm trying to get at least one room a day completely organized and cleaned, while still keeping up the living room and the kitchen. Which that takes a TON of energy.

I just don't understand how everyone else does it.

This is a venting post - prepare yourself for some major complaining

I am SUPER mad right now. DH and I just had a major fight because he came home and I was napping. Now I've said before...I love to sleep. It's one of my favorite pastimes.

I asked him what he needed to see done when he got home in order to make him happy. He said have the dishes done and living room clean. I did that, plus laundry, plus bathed kids and sorted and organized and got rid of a lot of clutter.

But does that matter NOOOOO.

He finally came clean. His mother and other SAHM's DO NOT SLEEP. So napping is unacceptable to him. What is acceptable is cleaning for 7+ hours a day. According to him, there is always something to do, so I should be up doing it. With a smile, and have dinner ready for him, and perform my wifely duties.

I AM SO BEYOND PISSED.

But what can I do? I want to stay home with my kids. My only other option is to go work. Do what he wants, or go to work.

I have to go, my kids are asking for me to beat them.

My Monday Confession

Ok, I was going to make Mondays Monday Mission. But since I've added Tackle it Tuesday, I think I'll stick with Monday Confession.

So here is my confession for today:

I feel like it's 3 against 1 in the family. I don't mean emotionally. I mean work wise. I feel like I am constantly cleaning. No one helps. Don't get me wrong, if I scream and repeat myself 14 times, my daughter will take her clothes that she just took off in the living room back to the laundry baskets, but that's more effort than it's worth.

Same with toys. My daughter obeys my rule and only has 1 baby in the living room. My son somehow gets several trucks, then dumps a puzzle etc. He's only 2. I'm not really sure what I can expect from him.

Then there's my DH. Don't get me wrong. He picks up his clothes and takes them to the hallway. He carries his dirty dishes to the sink. But he doesn't rinse them off.

I do all the laundry, wash all the dishes, picks up all the rooms. No wonder my house ALWAYS looks a mess. I'm the ONLY one doing anything about it, and I'm only one person.

Anyone ever felt the same? Anyone have any suggestions. I don't want to ask for help from DH becaus cleaning and stuff is now my "job".

I'm frustrated.

Tackle it Tuesday

So today I started something similar to My Monday Mission. This is called Tackle it Tuesday. There is a lovely site with some information if you click the icon above.

Here is my mission, my kitchen:




Since we have rescused another dog, the doggone (hee hee) dog crate is in the middle of my already impossibly small kitchen. So my goal is to get the crate and put it somewhere else.

I just don't know where yet.

For those of you that are organized, or clean freaks, you may not want to view any of my pictures as your heart will stop.

Here's another picture of the carnage:



So somehow I have to figure out how to get my kitchen back. So that cooking is pleasant, and I don't hurt myself everytime I turn around.

Any suggestions?

My Monday Morning Confession

My confession for today is:

I wanted to delete this blog and create a new one. But I couldn't do it. I am going to share this blog with some people from church. If they aren't comfortable with it, they don't have to read it, right?

I feel very exposed, but I'm doing it.

The other portion of this post is to let you know that My Monday Morning Confession will be changed to my Monday Mission. I plan on using this to take pictures of projects I'm working on and the progress (or lack thereof). I'm hoping that by sharing it will motivate me to get things done. Instead of sitting around and watching Franklin.

I'll probably post my first mission later today. When I get the pictures taken. It's a scary mission, should I chose to accept it.

Still Adjusting

So I'm still adjusting to my hopefully temporary Stay At Home Mom status. However I did have a run in with some beans for the bean bag. Here are some pics...

Ntoice the little white things on the floor and the stuff everywhere. That's because I had to move my furniture to to get the busted bag of little white balls. My children had "accidentaly" busted the bag when trying to retrieve a ball. So I had to shovel, literally, little white balls into a trash bag and then sweep.

Here's another pic of the destruction....

So after several hours, one meal, breaking up several fights, an hour talk with my very much missed Auntie CH....I finally got the floor to look like this:

I just don't know

So this morning was library/story day and McDonalds with the other SAHM's. This is such a difficult adjustment. We just got home and I put the kids down for a nap and I don't know what to do with myself. There is so much housework that it's overwhelming and I'm not sure where to start. Plus part of me just wants to veg while the kids aren't up my backside. I just don't know what to do.

I know I need to make a list of projects and I need to set forth a scheudle for myself. It's wonderful having other SAHM's that are giving me ideas of things to do, however they have all been doing this awhile and have their days scheduled and planned and their houses are perfectly clean and.....can you tell I feel inadequate. My self worth is very low right now, and I'm not sure how to raise it back up, short of landing another job. Which I don't know to do until I have to.

Anyone want to give me an example of their day so that I can take ideas to model my own?

Thanks

Monday Morning Confession

So this morning I am confessing to not having a job. Well, I still have the job of wife and mother. But I was downsized on Friday. A complete and total shock to both of us. My kids love it though. They hated going to my sister in laws.

So this morning I start my new job of stay at home mom. So far I'm a slow goer. I still need to do breakfast dishes, and I have to shower and get my kids dressed because we have running we need to do.

I hope I can train myself to be as good of a stay at home mom as I was an admin.

Please pray that God reveals his plan for myself and my family.

Wednesday Weirdness

WW #29
1.) When was your last visit to an emergency room? What happened?

I broke my arm in a backyard demolition derby. The hospital staff didn't believe that it was broken. Once they reviewed the x-rays they apologized for how rough they had been moving my arm. Then they refused to let my boyfriend (now husband) back into the room with me because they were convinced that I was lying about the demo derby and that he had broken my arm. I kept getting asked -

So, how did this happen.

I was in a Demo Derby in the back yard of a friend.

Ok, so did he push you down the stairs?

Huh?? No, I was in a Demo Derby in the back yard.

Did he use his hands, or a baseball bat or golf club?

Ummm, no. I seriously was in a Demo Derby in the back yard.

And so on....


2.) Who do you look more like: Mom, dad or another relative?

I look the most like my youngest sister, Little Miss Can't Be Wrong. or rather, she looks like me and we both look the most like our Dad.


3.) What sounds annoy you?

This pages doesn't hold enough space for me to describe what annoys me. However the thing I think of first is immaturity in adults.

Two quick examples:

At our Christmas Party last year my boss started throwing spit balls and wadded up paper that was hitting the people at the table behind us. When I advised him of that he said "Fuck em". Nice eh?

At a Women of Faith conference I went to some girls took some pantyliners and colored them with red marker in the middle then stuck them to our "Leader's" door. They thought that was soooo hilarious. I was so angry that I couldn't speak and it wasn't even my door.

4.) What are three movies could you(or have you) watch(ed) over and over and still love?

Labyrinth
Princess Bride
Tombstone

5.) Do you ever wish you were someone else?

I never wish I am anyone else. I just wish I was a thinner, more toned me.


6.) What do you think of when you think of Paris?

Eiffel Tower. Dirt. Smarmy men.

7.) What' s the last sporting event you watched?

UFC Unleased - MMA is the only sport I will watch.

8.) What do you think about sexual Role Playing?

I think it sounds like fun. But I've never done it. Count be a good way to spice up a dull sex life. But it would take a willingness on both parts. Just one can't roleplay.

Monday Morning Confession...

I am waaaayyyy to sensitive about my mothering skills. We were at our small group/Life group on Sunday. My son decided that he would have a COMPLETE meltdown as we were leaving. As he was melting down my husband decided that he would share with our friends/life group leaders that my child was melting down because I never stand up to him. That I let them have whatever they want and give in to them.

I'll admit it, I do a lot of time. I CAN'T STAND for my kids to cry. I don't know if its because when they were babies I was the one to answer their cries, or if it's something wrong with me.

My self preservation says - it's not MY fault. I'm basically a single mom and I'll do whatever it takes to have peace and quiet. I'm the one that puts them to bed. I'm the one that prepares their food. I'm the one that's changed 95% of their diapers. I'm the one that stays up with them if they are sick or have a nightmare. I'm the one that takes them to all of their doctor appointments. Me Me Me....so of course they are going to cry for me. Of course they want me to do everything. I ALWAYS do everything.

So this week I'm praying that the Lord helps me to be able to listen to them cry, and to be more firm and resistant to their pleas, because in the long run it will make them stronger and better children and adults.

Thoughtful Thursday

I have not been doing devotionals. For those that aren't familiar with them, devotionals are little stories that you can read, and they have questions at the end that make you review yourself and your life. They are based on biblical truths, and really make you get into the bible.

Doing these devotionals brings an inner peace and a closeness with God. I miss that. I need that.

I haven't been making time for God in my daily life. Yes I pray. I pray a lot. I pray with my kids, I pray when I'm driving, I pray when I look at my weekly sticky note of people to pray for.

But I don't take time to just listen to Him, and focus and meditate on him.

It would be better for me if I would make that time. Reading while going to the bathroom doesn't seem right. But that's the only time I really have to myself.

Any suggestions on that?

Wednesday Weirdness

Wednesday Weirdness #28

1. If you were in a situation where it was either starve to death or resort to cannibalism, would you resort to cannibalism to stay alive or let yourself starve?

It would depend on if the person died naturally, or if I had to kill them. I don't know that I could do it, but I've never been on the brink of starving to death...I think if you are in survival mode your body forces you to do things you never would do. I know that if I were to die first, I would instruct those still alive to eat my body, because my spirit would be long gone....

2. Do you know all of the words to the National Anthem and The Pledge of Allegiance? Yes I do, do I need to type them here to prove it?

3. Do you consider yourself a leader or a follower?

I used to be a leader now I'm a follower. Until I get irritated.

4. What is your most favorite holiday? It used to be Halloween, but now it's Christmas. Why? Having kids makes you look at things differently. I love buying things for them and seeing their faces when they see what it is. I love the look they get when they see Christmas lights. I love to hear my boy say "Ho Ho" when he sees Santa. I love the feeling I get in my heart when I hear the Christmas songs.

5. In what ways, if any, are you superstitious? I'll knock on wood, or walk around the same side of a pole as someone - I'm sure I do more superstitious things but I can't think of it. Isn't it ironic that the song Superstitious by Stevie Wonder is on right now?? Weird.

6. If you had to pick a creature from the Mythical Creatures Guide to be your pet, which would you choose and why?

I would chose the unicorn. I wouldn't want to chose anything with human like anything because that would just be like slavery. But to form a relationship with a unicorn and look at its beauty every day....that would be magic.

TMI Tuesday # 159

1. Have you ever had a moving violation? An auto accident? That was your fault?
No and No. (Knock on wood) And stop asking questions like this, you'll jinx me.


2. Have you ever voted? Yes. Once. How old were you the first time you voted? I think I was 25.

3. Are you glad this election cycle is over? Yes Now the finger pointing may begin.

4. Do you have guilty pleasure? Yes What is it (or are they)? Chocolate Chip Cookies, Blogging, Reading, Laying around watching TV for more than 15 minutes at a time. That is SOOOOO decedant.

5. What is the most embarrassing thing you have done recently? I don't embarass easily. I can't think of anything for this. Maybe scream at the teenagers in the back of my mom's explorer on Halloween to GET OUT AND WALK!


Bonus: How much impact has the Wall Street and general economic wilt had on you? None yet, and hopefully not at all, ever.

Discipline

I've mentioned before that I have problems disciplining my children. It really bothers me to hear them cry. Logically I know that I'm doing them a dis service by not disciplining them, but it still hurts my soul.

Anyhow, I'm reading a really good book called "The Year of Living Biblically" by A. J. Jacobs. It's a humours book about a guy that tries to live the bible literally for a year.

I enjoy it because I have so many things that are in the bible that I question, but I am taught to go on faith. That's a whole other post.

So here is what the book says:

"I've got to get stricter. Look at the example set by God. The God of the Bible treats his children - the human race - with both justice and mercy. Right now I'm out of wack; I'm 10 percent justice and 90 percent mercy. If I had been in charge of the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve would have gotten three strikes, then a fourth, then a stern warning, then had their bedtime moved up twenty minutes. God, as you know, kicked them out. As a sign of His compassion, he clothed them in animal skins before the eviction, but He still kicked them out."

That fits me to a T. I pray about this regularly. But my daughter prays against me, LOL. She asks that the lord makes me not so angry and to let her do more stuff.

That's what I gotta do...start kicking them out right away. I let them push me too much. They win more often than I do. Dang it.

I want to be the winning team. Because when a parent operating in the best interests of their child wins....everyone wins.

Has anyone researched...

I need some information. I plan on researching it myself. Someday. In my spare moments. When I've read all the good blogs out there, and all my bills are paid, and my house is clean.



Request No. 1.



Antidepressants:

1. Aren't they time released?


2. Is it normal that if you miss 1 pill you turn back into an angry bitch?


3. If #2's answer is yes - how are you ever supposed to get off the dang durn things?

Request No. 2.

Blogs

1. Has anyone found a blog written by a redneck man? I've seen plenty from red neck women, but not men.


2. How often does everyone update their blogroll?


3. How can you find out whose blogroll you are on?


4. How do I post those little buttons at the end of a post so that people can to to TMI Tuesday and Wednesday Weirdness and HNT?

Ok, that's it for now.

Wednesday Weirdness

1.) As an adult, do you do anything for Halloween or is it jut another day?

I like to do things for Halloween, but since having kids its difficult to find time. Right now we just focus on taking the kids trick or treating. In order to please the grandparents we get to take them 3 different days and places.


2.) Do you ever dress up for Halloween? What will be your costume this year?

Liza used to help me dress up, but we haven't in awhile. I wear some pink horns, does that count?


3.) Have you started Christmas shopping yet? When do you usually begin?

Yes, I have. I've been getting started earlier and earlier each year. I'm hoping to eventually get to the point that the shopping is done by November.


4.) Do you look people in the eye when talking? Does it bother you when people don't make eye contact during conversation?

I make eye contact, but I don't stare. I only hate when someone is apologizing and won't look me in the eyes. I make my kids look me in the eyes when they apologize after time out.

5.) What excuse do you usually use when you want to take a day off work for no real reason?

My HPV is acting up. J/K Usually that I have things I have to do. My work is pretty understanding.

6.) How often, on average, do you find yourself thinking about sex per day?

Alot. Probably at least once an hour, maybe twice. Sometimes more, never less. It think about it and don't always get aroused, but I just get these images in my head. I don't really understand it.


7.) What company makes your favorite brand of shoes? What makes them your favorite?

Whoever is cheapest.

8.) Do you ever save alcohol bottles once they are empty?

No, should I? Is there a special use for them?

9.) Do you enjoy musicals?

Love them. Well, only the dramatic ones or romantic ones.

My Monday Confession

I cussed at a 14 year old punk this weekend. If I hadn't missed a dose of my psycho meds I probably would have let his slight pass.

I'll admit it I was in a pissy mood. I had been up most of the night with fevered children. My DH (and I use the D very sarcasticlly today) got up at 6 and went to cut firewood. I had to be at my mom's by 2 for trick or treat.

I thought if the kids were sick then I could get out of it. But to no avail. I have no idea why they were fevered. My son might be cutting teeth, my daughter might be getting an ear infection. I dunno.

Anyhow - I make it to my moms by 1:45 p.m. My mom lives in a gated community that surrounds a lake. It's where I grew up. The lake front houses have VERY VERY steep driveways and the lake is very large. So everyone that trick-r-treats drives. Some in golf carts, some on four-wheelers, some in cars.

This year my mom borrowed a trailer and threw some hay bales in it for the kids to sit on and hooked it to the old explorer.

Sounds peachy, right? Well it would have been, except my aunt's kids - Daughter is 18 and son is 14 decide they want to go. Not only do they want to go but the son brought a friend and the daughter brought a boyfriend.

On top of that my brother who is 12 is going - as well as my cousin who is 14.

The boyfriend and friend and my girl cousin are riding in the back of the explorer. Doing nothing but sitting on their fat lazy asses. Not helping with the kids in any way, shape or form.

Needless to say my irritation level kicks up a bit. I've already had to put them in check for language and I warned them that I wouldn't hesitate to make them walk.

So about 1/2 way around the other side of the lake I hear my girl cousin say - "Watch your mouths, there are children here and that was inappropriate". At this point two of the smaller kids had joined the fat asses in the back.

So I said - "Ok, everyone shut up"

At that point, the 14 year old punk decides to going into a monologue about how he's always getting in trouble by other people and that he didn't do anything blah blah blah. I said - "You probably wouldn't get in trouble if you would SHUT YOUR MOUTH."

So then the boyfriends starts his monologue and I say "I MEAN EVERYONE."

Lovely silence for about 2 minutes. Then the boyfriend says "Butter, Peanut Butter". So I put the car in park and tell them to get out. They didn't believe me. So I walk around to the back of the explorer and again tell them to GET OUT!! Which they finally do. It's a good few miles up and down steep hills to get back to my moms. But I don't care. They should have had more respect.

So the remaining teenagers helped very nicely with the kids for the rest of trick r treating. Amazing what some discipline will do!

So when we get back my aunt has gone and picked them up so their fat asses didn't have to walk. Then my aunt wanted to hear my side of the story because she had heard theirs. So I shared it with her. She said, ok, let's go talk to them. So we go over there and the 14 year old kept interrupting me, and looking away and rolling his eyes.

So I refused to accept his apology. Then he was like "What's your problem." I said what's my problem? It's that you disrespect me and treat me like a piece of shit in my own family's vehicle and home?? You are a guest here and were welcomed in like one of our family and then you turn around and talk to me like that. GROW UP. You don't act like that when you are a guest.

There was a lot more said, but no more cussing. But I felt bad about saying shit and raising my voice. But I was mad, damnit.

WTF Friday????

I try to learn something new each day. I usually have no problem with that because of the amount of reading I do.

However last night I learned something that actually made my jaw drop.

Ready for this?

ROOSTERS CAN LAY EGGS!!!

Yeah...they are called cock eggs and they are whites only.

WTF??

Saving money is a big fat pain

DH and I made a decision to pay off all of our bills except our mortgage and our jeep payment. This would free us up enough to purchase a home and rent out our tube on 5 acres.

Well, shortly after we made that decision DH purchased the hated CAR. Taking up enough money to pay off 2 credit cards.

Just wanted everyone to remember that and feel bad for me and my sacrifices. That fact really has nothing to do with my story.

Ok, anyhow we have really cut back on our spending in order to save more money. I am bucking against that for one occasion. We are going to Howl at the Moon on November 8th with 100 of our closest friends. I plan on getting blasted. I haven’t been blasted in over 1 year. I’m due.

Anyhow here is how we’ve been saving money.

We only eat out once a week, and only if I ABSOLUTELY refuse to cook. And there aren’t any eggs or hot dogs that DH can cook.

We are making the kids Halloween costumes this year. Or borrowing them. Or something other than buying.

I am making my breakfast at night and making tea before I leave so that I don’t stop at the evil Circle K and spend $3.00 a day on coffee and muffins.

I am making my own lunch to take to work so that I don’t spend $6-7 dollars per day.

I can’t remember what else…but it’s a good start at least. Oh yeah and DH is working his dump truck and bringing in a few hundred dollars each week or so….


That’s about it. Not sure how much that will save us, but we will see.

Just a little advice for my male readers...

If your sex life is going really well.

Just the way you want it.

You are getting all of your needs met on a daily basis.

Do. Not. Criticise. Your. Womans. Housekeeping. Skills.

My Monday Confession

I don’t wash my new clothes before I wear them.

There, I said it out loud. I’m letting the world know. I rip the tags off of stuff and throw them on my children, on myself, on my spouse. I’m not worried about the chemicals from new clothes or anything like that. All I can think of is a way to save myself on doing laundry. I’m so excited to have something new that I don’t even want to take the time to wash them, I want to wear them right away.

Anyone else want to confess something clean today? You can confess dirty stuff on my other blog.

A few changes

I really screwed up. I opened my big mouth and now my sister knows about this blog. Well, sortof knows. She knows I have 2 private blogs.

She is pissed. She feels she should have access to these blogs. But I KNOW there will be MAJOR issues if she reads my other blog. It's very difficult for my family to imagine that I have parts of my life I would like to KEEP from them.

So I guess I'm going to have to create a completely vanilla blog, under a different name than Countess and share that with my family to satisfy their thirst for knowledge.

Dang it I barely have time to write in these. Where will I find time for a third?

Ok, enough of that. Last night we had dinner with some people we know from church. They are in our small group. It was nice. I didn't have to cook and my kids ate like pigs. All and all a successful night. Except for the acid indigestion that I was throwing up at 3 am. Yeah that sucks.

DH is all pissy this morning because I didn't go to bed at the same time of him. Ummm...I didn't have to get up at 3 a.m. He did. Why should I lose out on my "no kids" time? He is such a baby sometimes.

Wednesday Weirdness

Just so I can keep up with the rest of the gang:

1. If you could only eat one fruit for an entire year and that fruit would magically be in season and ripe that full year, which fruit would you choose and why? Mango. It's filling and delicious...and banannas sometimes make me gag.

2. What is something that makes you sad? Animal cruelty

3. What would you do if you came home from an extended vacation and found that someone else was living in your house?I would be whippin someone's ass. With a quickness.

4. What US President, alive or otherwise, would you like to have dinner with? They are all the same to me.

5. What is your opinion on multitasking while driving? (Reading a book or work documents, changing clothes, fixing hair, applying make up, shaving your face, et cetera) I've only seen Liza do it, and she's pretty good at it, so I can't bitch to much. I don't really have much road rage.

6. Do you ever multitask while driving? I will sometimes text while driving or hand stuff to my kids, or eat. If so, how often would you say you are guilty of it? At least 3 times a week.

7. Do you tend to be early, on time, fashionably late or LATE to work and work related events? I prefer to be at least 15 minutes early.Do you tend to be more or less punctual for non-work related events? Less punctual. Mostly because I am taking my kids and they can take FOREVER to get ready.

8. What is a quirk your significant other has that you would define as "cute"? I haven't noticed any "cute" quirks. I really need to look for that. Now if you ask me what quirks irritate the hell out of me.....

Be sure to check out more Wednesday Weirdness.

Wednesday Weirdness

Wednesday Weirdness #24
1.) Do you think you're approachable? I think I am totally approachable. However, I have been told by, well most everyone that knows me, that I am NOT approachable. That I throw off this "stay the eff away from me" vibe.

2.) Out of the two, would you rather be able to predict things before they happened or be able to read minds whenever you wanted to? Predict things before they happen. Why? Avoid catastrophe, win the lottery, bet on sports teams " Why would I not want to read minds? I didn't say I didn't want to read people's minds, I just want to predict things more than read people's minds.

3.) Have you ever kissed, fooled around or slept with an ex significant other AFTER you were already broken up? No, No and a thousand times No. Broke up means just that. Usually the reason we broke up was because I finally figured out what a loser he was.

4.) Do you believe dreams are your imagination running wild as you sleep, your subconscious showing you what's really on your mind or something else entirely? A little of both. Sometimes I dream of sex with a Matt Hughes. That's both my imagination runnin wild AND what's really on my mind.

5.) How often do you use cuss words? Does your use of cuss words vary on your moods or situations? I use them way to much. They are the common language here at work, but it's a bad example for my children. Yes, if I'm angry I can't control it.

6.) Do you ever purposely lead people on so you can get what you want?
Never ever ever. That is just mean and selfish and greedy.

7.) When was the last time you did something you told yourself you wouldn't do? What was it?
Yesterday. I told myself that I wouldn't confide in the other admin, and then went ahead and told her what should have stayed to myself.

8.) If you could meet one musician who is no longer alive, who would it be?
I can't really think of any dead musicians that I would like to meet or spend time with....is that sad?

I just keep running face first into the same wall.....

I just can't seem to get ahead. At all. In anything.

Ok, I'll admit it, I'm feeling down. In the dumps.

I WANNA HOUSE!! A REAL HOUSE. Not a tube. Not a double tube. A real honest to Pete house.

I want it now!! Right now. Just call me Veruca.

I'm checking into that. Looking to see if it's even remotely possible for us. If our credit is good enough. If our debt to income ratio is low enough (it's not). If the blood of our first born satisfies the Bank Vampires etc....

I just want to forget about wanting a house and focus on something else, but I can't.

It's times like this I wish I had ADD.

Come one, come all.........

Last night, at ten till nine, DH suddenly decides that my Livvie needs a bath. Now I think I've talked about Livvie before. She's my amstaff that we rescued from New York.

Note to self, think of a better name for DH than DH

Anyhow, he jumps up and chases her to the back. The heathens children ran quickly behind them. My spidey senses advised me that this would be a good time to catch up on some reading as the children would be occupied for AT LEAST 10 minutes.

Shortly into the first chapter I had to put my book down. The conversations in the back were classic. It went something like this:



The daughter (Here after known as PD for this story)"Dad, can I sit here and watch you? Dad, why is Livvie getting a bath? (giggling) Dad, giving Livvie a bath is sooo fun."

DH "Because she is dirty. Don't you get dirty when you play outside"

PD "Yeah....Dad, what did she do to get dirty? Did she roll in the dirt?"

DH *Sigh* "Probably PD - Livvie was running through the woods and so she was in the dirt and the mud"

Silence with the sound of water running in the background.

DH "SON!!! GET OFF THE HOT WATER RIGHT NOW. YOU CANNOT BE ON THE HOT WATER YOU COULD BURN YOURSELF OR LIVVIE."

I'm not really sure how my son was on the hot water as it's a tub/shower combo and the faucets are on the wall. Maybe he was in the sink. Whatever, I'm sure the son got the point.

PD "Dad, why is she standing like that?"

DH "Because I'm washin..."

PD "DAD DAD - WHY IS SHE PUTTING HER LEG UP LIKE THAT?"

DH - Total exasperation in his voice - "PD Livvie doesn't like to get a bath - do YOU like to get a bath?"

PD Yeah, I do...

DH - Sigh - "Ok, well you know how YOUR BROTHER doesn't like getting a bath - well neither does Livvie"

PD "Oh, ok"

DH "Now go get Daddy a......SON...YOU CANNOT CLIMB ON THE WASHER LIKE THAT!!! OMG YOUR MOM IS GOING TO KILL ME. GET DOWN NOW. THAT IS NOT A TOY, PUT THAT DOWN. YOU CAN DO LAUNDRY WITH MOMMY TOMORROW YOU DON'T NEED THE LAUNDRY SOAP. BOY!!! I'M NOT KIDDING. YOU ARE SO LUCKY THAT I CAN'T COME OVER TO YOU RIGHT NOW. DAUGHTER!! WHERE ARE THE TOWELS? DAMNIT - LIVVIE DO NOT SHAKE! SIT... I SAID SIT!!

PD "Dad, why are you so mad?

It actually went even further as he cleaned Livvies ears...but I don't have time to type that. I'm grinning from ear to ear just thinking about it....

I love my family.

Here's a dilemma...

So my BFF Liza shared a secret with me. A pretty major secret. A BFF type of secret. I will not display her secret here. However, it then prompted me to share a secret with her. In a roundabout way.

I feel so exposed. Which is ridiculous. Liza knows all of my innermost everything. I watched her child being born. I've seen her vagina!! I mean, who is closer to me? No one.

So why do I feel so scared and exposed and nervous? Why don't I want her to read what I wrote until I leave her house?

I think that I never really relax around anyone. I relax the most around her...but I still guard myself a bit from her. I completely tore that down. So I am now not keeping ANYTHING from her.

Whew, so there. I feel better getting that out. Now....we'll see what she says to what I wrote.

I see the light!!!

Yeah!!! Saturday night I got my power back. What a blessing! I have to give all the glory to God that my family and I made it through that without killin each other.

I will be gone most of this week. I have training in PA for work. I'll be gone Wednesday and Thursday.

I know you are all worried about how you will live without me...but I trust you.

YOU CAN DO IT!!

I need some encouragement on my weight loss dream. I'm really slacking, and my self esteem is showing it. I did get my hair cut, and I love it - so that helped a bit.

I got irritated for the first time at members of my church. I made it 9 months before I got irritated at someone. That's pretty good, right?

I'm trying to be witting and funny, but I'm tooo tired. I need themes for each day of the week so that I have a topic. I'm open to suggestions

Did you know?

That if you have a Verizon Razr and you set the alarm, it will not go off if you have a text?

That when pressed I can do in 20 minutes what I usually do in 45 mins. (Non sexual, of course)

That I can be convinced to take another rescue, even though it's only 10 weeks old and not housebroken?

That you can slice a chunk out of your finger with the same disposable razor you use to shave your legs?

That because of said chunk missing you will score 74 on a typing test that you know you could have scored 98?

That not putting out to your spouse can cause them to be EXTRA grouchy?

That a woman can wear men's deodorant, and no one will notice? (I couldn't find mine, and I didn't have time to search)

That Lipton Green Tea doesn't taste to bad room temp?

Ok, that's enough of that. Sornie - I hope I don't beat your record. If I do, I know it is because you jinxed me!!

Livin in an Amish Paradise....

I STILL don't have power. Yep, it's Wednesday and I've been without power now for 4 days.

I'm getting so tired of lugging water up from the creek and washing in the rain barrel.

My kids love peeing outside though. I can't quite get my eyes used to reading by kerosene latern light. Or candle light. So I've been going to bed really early. 9:15 at the latest.

This morning, I was feeling around for my deoderant in my bag, and cut a chunk off the top of my right ring finger with my razor. That's going to make for a really fun typing test. Yeah, part 2 of the civil service exam today, and I now have a major handicapp. That sucks.

Ok, we've had enough trials and attacks, I'm ready for the blessigs. I was discouraged this morning, but I'm feeling more positive the more awake I become. Could be the sugar high from my coffee.

Well, I gotta run, the butter won't churn itself.

...and I'll huff, and I'll puff...

No, my house didn't get blown down, but it felt like it was going to. The wind last night was CRAZY. I'm still without power. It really really sucks.

But here's a weird thing. DH and I met with a financial guy on Friday. His work is based on faith in Jesus Christ. Which I have.

Ok, so he made a comment that stuck in my mind. He said, now that you two have professed your relationship with Christ, and your willingness to make your life prosperous to reflect his goodness (or some such words like that) you will be both attacked spiritually, and blessed spiritually. DH and I waited until he looked away then we rolled our eyes at each other.

I was thinking in my head - Whatever dude, just tell me how I can save enough money to buy or build my house, k?

So that was Friday, fast forward to Sunday. After church DH and I make a little road trip down about 1 hour away from us to purchase a fridge that seemed like a good deal.

It was a good deal because it was in our price range, and it worked. We didn't care about anything else.

So we pick it up and it is awesome!! Water and Ice dispenser works, climate controlled drawers for veggies.....all for $125.00. WOW!! Ok, that is a spiritual blessing. I mean, how fantastic.

We get home and get ready to go to small group. See our church only has service on Sunday mornings. So to keep us from being heathens the rest of the week we have small groups of people get together to discuss the sermon, or other topics weighing on our minds.

Then the wind started to blow.

We came home to an almost disaster.

If we had been home instead of at small group ALL OF OUR VEHICLES WOULD BE INOPERABLE. That's right, all of them. And we have 3. One car was still at home, and did have a tree top snap off and hit it in the center of the hood, leaving a HUGE dent. Luckily this is a work car that doesn't look that great to begin with. I'll try to post pictures tomorrow.

Another trees snapped off in the center and fell onto our driveway RIGHT WHERE WE USUALLY PARK OUR VEHICLES. DH had driven seperately to the small group meeting because he was still installing our fridge when it was time to get there.

Wow....that's just freaky. Thank goodness I've got the Lord on my side.

I hope everyone else made it through the storm.

FAKER!!

For once I'm not talking about orgasms. If I were I would limit it to my other blog. No, today I'm talking about putting on fake personas.

Last night we had a Girlfriends night at our church. It was a lot of fun, we made necklaces, and talked about breast cancer and won a lot of great prizes.

However, I was extremely uncomfortable the minute I walked in. At first I thought it was my anxiety kicking in. If I hadn't got control over it quickly, it probably would have turned into a full blown panic attack.

I feel woefully inadequate to the women in my church. There are several "cliques" I guess you could say. Which I'm sure is the same at any church. But the one I keep getting looped in with is what I call the "beautiful people". These are the women who are thin and wear trendy clothes. Their hair is perfectly styled and make up looks completely natural.

I'm sure most of you have figured out, I am NOT thin nor do I wear trendy clothes. I'm lucky if my hair is brushed and I have makeup on.

So I'm looking around at the women standing and talking to each other in their trendy clothes, and I realize that I have NO ONE to talk to.

The other group/clique are the homeschooling moms. I would say that 80% of the women in my church homeschool their kids. Amazingly my pastor's wife does not. But I feel like such a poop because I work.

Just another kick to my already deflated self esteem.

So now I have my fake smile pasted on as I make my way to my seat to hopefully blend into my chair. I keep thinking that I hope no one notices that I have no one to talk to.

I have now officially put on my "fake Bekki". I feel completely artificial when anyone approaches me and asks me any type of questions. I feel as though they are weighing and judging every word I say. The color of my lipstick while they watch my lips move. The height of my neckline. I could go on and on.

This is a common problem. I hear people say all the time that is why they quit going to church. Or why they don't go to church.

I realized that the women there probably aren't judging me. At least most of them aren't. They probably have the same insecurities that I do. Or different insecurities.

I'm sure I just need to get to know them better and I need to quit being so critical of myself and others. This is my prayer for today:

Lord, please help me to see myself and others in my church in a more positive light. Help me to make friends in my community that I have a lot in common with.

Oh yeah, and Lord - please give all of the beautiful people pimples. In Jesus name, Amen.

(Disclaimer: I'd never ask the Lord to smite someone with any amount of seriousness, I am just joking)

I said I'm sorry for pushing him.

Yesterday, my DH and I were watching an episode of the Dog Whisperer. Most of you remember my intense fascination with Caesar Milan. Ok, maybe not so intense since I'm not sure I spelled his name write, and I don't feel like looking it up.

Anyhow, my two little blessings were outside playing on their swings set and climbing slidey thingy. Pretty soon, the daughter comes running in with the son whimpering behind her.

"Mom, I said I'm sorry to him."

"What? DH, pause the TV. What did you say sorry to your brother for?"

"I said I'm sorry for pushing him off the slide."

"DAUGHTER!!! Which slide did you push him off of?"

"The big one mommy. I said I'm sorry for pushing him off the slide." She is talking about the slide that is about as tall as me. I'm 5'5". It's probably only 5'.

"How far up was he?"

"Really high Mommy"

"Son, come here. Are you hurt? Are you bleeding? Do you have a bump? Scrape? Boo Boo?

"No Mommy, Bubby (He calls his sister Bubby, I don't know why) Bubby push me on slide."

"I know honey, but Mommy needs to know if you are hurt"

"No hurt Mommy, Bubby said Horry" That's not a typo, he replaces H's for S's. He's only two, remember.

"Ok, well maybe you two should come inside and relax for a few minutes."

In unison, "No mommy, we'll be good."

Then they take off flying out the door.

Man I love how tough my kids are.

We are fam - ily

My family reunion is this weekend. I wasn't sure it was still going to happen, with everyone coming up for my grandfather's funeral. But we are still having it.

I got put in charge of children's activities on Saturday.

Yippee!!

If all I can post on Monday is Buh Buh Buh Buh Buh Buh you'll know why.

A nice reminder of how stupid I really am.

I have submitted my resume for consideration for a position at the local government office. A requirement of this position is that you take the Civil Service Exam. Yesterday was the written portion.

Actually, my sister and I both applied for that position. So we went together to take the test.

Let's just say that the Lord was giving me hints from the beginning. First we went to the wrong effing building.

See, the government was nice enough to send out letters giving directions and a list of items to bring. Since I didn't have to bring any item, I just skimmed the letter.

Just a word of advice - if you get a letter from the government, READ IT ALL. Word for word, and bring it with you, just in case.

Luckily there was a lady in the building and she told us it was at the Civic Center. So we FLY over there breaking all sorts of speed limits and dodging pedestrians. (Hey, if you see a car coming down the sidewalk, MOVE!)

We get there and end up standing in line! There ended up being 121 people applying for this same position.

Let me tell you - some of those people should not have been there. The test was multiple choice. Standard bubble test. Standard instructions read at the beginning. Make sure you make a complete mark, make sure you don't leave any blank, blah blah blah.

Then it's question/answer time. One lady asked this question "So, if we don't know the answer is it better to leave it blank, or guess and fill one in?"

The procter was much kinder than I would have been. I would have said "If it were up to me, I'd fill it in - Now what is your number again?" Then I would have shredded her test when she turned it in.

Anyhow, I started this test and was immediatly heart broken. All of the questions were multiple choice. 100 total questions - 2 hours to complete. These were the sections and my grade (how I think I did - I will not receive actual results for 3 weeks):

1. Spelling D
2. Math F
3. Comprehension A
4. Budgeting C
5. Office skills A

So as you can see, I did very poorly. I now have a wounded self pride - and I think this answers the question on whether or not I should go back to school.

BUT, based on my interaction with the court system in that City - They will hire me right away!

I wasn't kidding about the napping thing....

In previous posts I have mentioned that sleeping is one of my favorite hobbys. This is a tradition passed down through my family. Many people have a hard time understanding this.

When I was growing up my family did a lot of "visitin". My dad has 2 brothers and 2 sisters. Plus one cousin that was raised with him like a brother. So every weekend, and sometimes through the week either we would load up in the car and go to one of their houses, or they would come to us.

The normal routine would be visit for a few minutes while we waited to eat. Then we'd eat. Dad (or Uncles) would have some type of sports on. The women would sit and gossip.

Slowly everyone would find a soft place to crash. It could be on the floor. It could be on the couch. The kids would go to the kids rooms and crash on floors and beds.

Everyone would doze on and off for a few hours.

Anyhow. Since I married the sleep nazi I haven't had the pleasure of that much sleeping. Until yesterday.

I went over to my grandmother's to check on her. I've made it a vow to see her at least once a month, if not more.

So I knock and get no answer. That's weird, because I KNOW she's home. So I try the door and walk right in. I yell for her and she answers. She said she'd been napping on the couch. I told her to go ahead back to napping, that I would nap with her. So I crawled onto my grandpa's favorite chair and kicked back. I could still smell a little bit of his cologne. Grandma was back asleep before I got settled in. Then we slept for about an hour until my sister got there with my kids.

We have decided that during my monthly visits we will nap, then just chat for a few moments before I leave. That's enough bonding for us.

Does anyone else love sleep THAT much? Or is my family a bunch of sleepyheads?

Apologies and reminder

Sorry everyone! My computer was down for 2 days so I didn't get a chance to post. Don't forget today is freaky friday!

Item Number 3 - Large Zip Lock Freezer Bags

I always keep a box of these in my house. I have used them for such a variety of things. I mean the obvious reason is for food. If you buy in bulk at the grocery store, yadda yadda. I also use it to marinate my meat and/or veggies.

Here are the other uses I've found:

Storing smaller zip lock baggies of moon sand and accessories

Small Army Men that invade my living room - blend into my carpt (they are camo) and then stab me in the foot as I walk past. I'll have to have a talk with Santa about bringing parent hurting toys to my house.

Dirty Diapers - nuff said.

Puzzle pieces that have migrated to the wrong room, or the board for the puzzle is currently MIA.

Make up and hair products when I'm traveling. I don't want to take a chance that my mousse will explode and get all over my clothes.

Sometimes I just carry an empty one around looking for things to go into it. Ok, I don't do that. If I did then my house might actually get uncluttered - and I can't have that!!!

Must have item #2 - Automatic reset alarm clock

I purchased this alarm clock about 1 year ago and I LOVE it. I never have to worry about the power going out, or daylight savings time, or anything. I can set one alarm for during the week, and another alarm for the weekend and it knows what day it is.

Some may say this is the work of Satan. I say it's genius. Thank you whoever thought of that.

Top 10 Products and/or items I could not live without - Item 1

I think that we all have certain items we just can't live without. I decided that figuring these out might bring insight into my life and the energy flow around it. Or it might just prove I'm a little weird. Whichever. These are in no significant order.

Item No. 1 - My computer with internet. I rely on this so much it amazes me. During the time I was at my Grandmas I realized how much I had come to rely on it. I look EVERYTHING up. Weather, Bank Balance, some funny story I heard on the radio, biorythems, porn. You know, the important stuff.

I also use it to entertain my husband and children when they have run out of ideas to entertain themselves. Which happens a lot. So for the kids I throw on sesame street or noggin and for the hubby I throw on Youtube or Bubba the Love Sponge.

Back before I had children I use to use it to chat. Not so much now. I'm lucky if I have a chance to sit and pay bills let alone surf the web. I need a wireless I can take to the bathroom with me. And a lock on the bathroom door.

Thank you.

As most of you know, my grandfather passed away last Thursday after a difficult and long battle with cancer. He is greatly missed by his children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and congregation. He preached at the same church for over 42 years.

The last week and 1/2 of my life have been very sad and chaotic. However I hope to get back into my groove.

I love and miss you pawpaw.

and you are here with?

The best part about DH's family reunion is that no one in his family knows anyone. Well, ok, my DH and his mom and his brother know his dad's sisters. But other than that, they know no one. Nor do they speak to anyone other than the aunts.

Well that stopped this year. I must have had a sign on that said "Talk to me" because A LOT of people did. Here I thought I had perfected the "stay away" look, but apparently not.

The most popular question of the day was "How do you belong in this family?" When I would explain I would just get funny looks. Who do you belong to again? Oh yeah, ok, I know who that is.....

Then I had to open up my mouth about sending out e-mail reminders regarding the family reunion instead of mailing them. That got a lot of interest.

Who are you again?

How long have you been in this family?

Where do you live?

Then I come to find out that Arthur's Grandmother on his dad's side was french? I'm not sure where the Scottish/Irish come in, but I know that it's in there. Now I need to research his family as well as mine.

I WISH I COULD FIND THE TIME. I need to stop watching TV altogether and get on the computer more.

Does anyone have any suggestions for how to research your family tree? I need all the help I can get.

Kill the Thieves!

On Sunday we had the pleasure of attending my husband's family reunion. It was nothing but fun and adventure from the get go. DH wants us to take "the car". You know, the one we have been fighting about. Ok, whatever. So we all load up and take off. About 1/2 way there, we run out of gas. This is because the previous owner had re-routed the gas system so that it was hooked up to a Gallon Jug under the hood to prevent gas thieves.

But do not fear, DH was prepared and had brought fuel with him, so we just had to wait for him to fill up the 1 gallon jug. We then make it to a gas station where he can top off the gallon jug, and re-fill his refueling jug. During this time I run into the store to get pop and ice. My children, of course, come with me.

So my son picks up a roll of Rollos and starts to open them. Then a fun conversation starts.

Me shouting: Little Man - you can't do that!

Princess K: Yeah, that's stealing.

Me: Very good, that IS stealing. Stealing is bad. Mommy needs to pay for it.

Prince S: Oh, ok mommy, here. (He hands the open rollos over and I start to walk towards the pop).

Princess K shouting: Yeah mom, cause we steal ALL the time, don't we?

Wha? Excuse me? Where did this come from? I frantically look around to see if anyone heard her. The lady stocking the shelf quickly looks away so she won't have to make eye contact. The cash register lady is studying the stickers on the counter.

Me: No, Princess K, we do not always steal. We NEVER steal. Stealing is bad, remember?

Princess K: Oh, that's right. Sorry mom.

I hope I got my point across.

Oh not so much to the kids, but I don't want those perfect strangers thinking I steal!!!

He's been redeemed

I woke up this morning and checked my phone. I received a picture that made me so horny I couldn't take take it. More so than my BFF's picture (ok, her pic didn't make me horny, but if I were into that, it would have.) But this pic got my juices flowing.



That's right, Liza's DH, Wee Wee, sent me a picture to tantalize my pee pee buds.

Excuse me, I have to spend a few moments in the bathroom.

That's why we are BFF's

So last night I went over to Liza's to prepare for our garage sale. Now most of you will remember that Liza is my BFF. We are twin souls.

Anyhow, after hours of pricing stuff, Liza was finished with her stuff and was helping me price mine. We were going through boxes of clothes and started getting slap happy. Everything became funny to us, and we were giggling and snorting.

We came across a hand me down someone had given to my daughter. The size was 3T. It was a yellow shirt that had a partly opened back.

Amid snorts, Liza said "I bet I can get this on". I said, OMG, ok- but you have to put it on backwards, so that you look like an 80's porn star.

So she did it. She put it on. This is what it looked like:




Amazingly hot right? So I said - go upstairs and show your DH. So she runs up stairs and saunters into the living room and hears: "What the hell is that?"

WOW - BUZZ KILL

What the heck is wrong with him? An appropriate response would be "Get in the bedroom now", or "Oh honey - that's hot".

At least it's not only my man that's an idiot.

BTW, when I grow up, I want to have boobs like Liza's.

Do I make the best of a situation or stick to my guns?

I'll post pictures here as soon as I take some. But the car came home last night. I wasn't sure what I should do. Pout and be a bitch so that my point gets driven home? Or just make the best and show some enthusiasm.

So I showed some interest. I learned some things last night. But here is my dilemma. I am trying to strenghthen my relationship with God. This whole car thing is bringing people back into my life that aren't anywhere near God. Don't have any desire to be close to God.

The club is called Voodoo Kustoms, and they are all about skulls, and evil eat your liver music and - well - very negative stuff. But my husband and these friends think it's really cool. And in it's own way I guess it is. They all dress like the 50's. There are a lot of families involved.

But I don't know what to do. I'm probably not being very clear. It's a moral dilemma. Am I comprimising my relationship with God by spending LOTS of time with people that have no interest in God? Will it bring me down, and sever my relationship with the Lord?


I don't think that it will do anything that I don't allow it to do. So ultimately I just have to be strong.

But we know how weak I am. This will be interestig, to say the least.

Finally DH realizes - sort of

Well last night DH said the words out loud that I've been thinking in my head for a looooong time.

I'M SELFISH.

He said this with no prompting from myself, and after several minutes of deep after sex thoughts.

Let me enumerate the ways he is selfish. I'll start with the lesser offenses.

1. He has 2 spaces in our living room that are HIS spaces. No one else may put their items in those spaces or said items will be thrown to floor, or possibly put in the trash. He will also bitch the ENTIRE time he takes said items out of his spaces. These spaces ALSO happen to be the most convenient spaces - the stand right beside the front door, and the end table right beside the "master" chair.

2. If there is ANY food, no matter if it is something I have saved from dinner for my lunch the following day, or a dessert I've been nibbling on - to him it is free game. He will eat it, and then act offended because I'm mad that it's gone.

3. He expects me to plan my life around whatever his work and/or play schedule is. If I want to do something and I don't want to take the children, he must have a minimum of a week's notice, and reminders several times a day, every day, until the date of my excursion. If my excursion isn't household related then I get a HUGE guilty trip, and the Spanish Inquisition as to when I will be home. If I am not at home at the time I indicated or earlier, I am given the whole - Well you said you'd be home at.....

4. When we have sex - oh wait, that's for my other blog. Just be rest assured that he can be selfish in that way too.

5. If he is watching TV, and I am doing something, like reading, or laundry, or cooking dinner he acts all pissed off if I ask him to get the kids something to eat or drink. Heaven forbid he pause the tv and let me continue with what I am doing.

6. The main selfish thing he has done lately is a biggie. He has decided that since I don't want to ride Harley as much any more, we needed another "family" hobby. So he has decided that we need a rat rod. Please feel free to google this to get more information.

See, about 2 months ago, we decided that we were done living in a tube. That we wanted to build a house. I said, if we can eliminate all debt, except the car payment and the mortgage payment, we can afford to build. We'll be sitting pretty good.

He agreed. So since the first of year I have been putting $207 dollars out of each of my paychecks into a Flexible Spending account for daycare. I don't have a seperate savings account outside of our joint checking. Whenever I bring up the subject of opening one up, he freaks out, claims I'm going to leave him. He doesn't like me being able to stash money that he can't touch, etc. In all fairness, I do have access to his savings, but I only touch it upon his request.

Anyhow, we decided to take the money saved in Flexible Spending since the first of the year, and pay off one credit card. Great. We were in agreement. We also decided to track our spending for one month, so that I could create a budget so that we could stop wasting money. He thinks I'm spending it all, I think he is, and vice versa. So I said we could track it, to find out where the leaks are.

So I pay off the credit card. Now this makes our checking account balance back down to paycheck to paycheck. We used to have some cushion in it, but now it's bare bones.

As of Friday we had appx. $350 dollars in our checking account. Now he has been saving money, and taking money from his dump truck jobs and stashing it away for this rat rod.

He was aware of our financial situation. He knew how much money we had in our account. I also knew that if we really needed it, the money from his savings would be there as a back up.

Out of that $350 had to come $175 for daycare, $70 for fuel and pop for a party, $40.00 for groceries $35.00 for pizza after church, $30.00 for offering. Leaving us at exactly $0.00. And we don't get paid for 5 more days.

But did that stop him? Nope, he went and bought that damn rat rod. And I have to take my kids over to my BFF's tonight, because he is going to pick it up, and start working on it.

Yippeee.

Selfish? His picture is in the dictionary for the definition.

Time Management

All right. I wanna know how everyone else gets everything done. I freakin busted my butt yesterday after work, getting stuff packed up for the garage sale. Then I cooked dinner, and once I sat down for dinner, I was DONE! But I forced myself to get up and go to the computer to pay bills.

THEN I was really done. I didn't want to clean up after supper, I didn't want to pick up toys. I just wanted to SLEEP!!!

How does everyone keep their house in tip top shape, when mine looks like a cyclone hit it.

I have a full basket of folded laundry sitting in my living room waiting to be put away since Monday. I have 2 hampers full of dirty clothes that need to be washed. I have 4 comforters that need to go to the laundry mat because they won't fit in my washer.

I'm not even going to start on the status of my junk room and my bedroom/junk room.

All of this clutter is bringing me down. It's bad chi and I'm totally feeling it. I woke up this morning with severe pain in between my shoulder blades. It feels like I've been carrying a HUGE weight on my back - and I have.

It's the feeling of being a crap wife/mother because I can't get it all done.

So tell me, what's the trick?

I hate censoring my kids......

I tried to find an example picture to share with you, but I'm typing this at work, and it's difficult dealing with people peering over my shoulder and all of the blocked pages.

Anyhow, I was walking in the BV mall on Monday and there is a store across from Hollister. I don't know what the name of it is. But there is a HUGE picture of a guy in jeans. Which in itself isn't bad, but it was the LOW LOW jeans. I mean where it's so low they had to have airbrushed his peepee out.

Luckily I didn't have my children with me, so I was able to stare. I don't give a crap what the other people think. Of course I'm going to stare.

However, it got me thinking. What would I do/say if my kids were with me? Tell them not to look? Or let them look, and if they questioned why the man was 1/2 naked, tell them that the human body is beautiful. So then they can use that excuse when they want to be naked? And they want all of their little friends around them to be naked?

Sigh -

What am I to do? I don't want to over censor my kids, but I don't want them to be ashamed of their bodies.

What's a mom to do?

Only a little bit awkward.....

So yesterday I decided to go see my grandpa. He's in the final stages of colon and liver cancer, and his days are growing short. I try to get up at least once a week to see him.

So on my way up, my hubby calls me and says "Hey, after I'm done mowing the grass, I'm taking the kids to a car show in N. Georgetown."

Cool - I'll have some alone time to do whatever I want.

So I have my visit. Then I meet with my sister for a quick dinner, and to give her wallet back.

Then I head home, thinking I have given PLENTY of time for them to be at the car show.

Nope, I was almost home when I passed them on the road, was flagged down, and requested to join them.

What can I say? No - I was planning on touching myself lightly (hey - you gotta fit it in when you can, then reading in solitude? This is an instance where you can't really be honest.

So off we go to the car show. There I run into the first man I will have sex with if me and hubby ever break up. He's a good friend, and my kids adore him so we all stand around and chat for awhile.

Now right next door to this car show is my tall drink of water's house. He's the second person I'll have sex with if DH and I ever break up.

Ok, so his girlfriend is there, and she is, as always, dressed very cute. She's also very nice, so I like her.

However we don't really have a lot in common. We are at different places in our lives. She is at the place I WISH I was.

But my kids are eating their dinner in Tall Drink's garage. We had bought them dinner at the restaurant across the street and Tall Drink set up a table for them, and got them drinks. He loves kids.

So I'm standing there trying to make conversation. She's trying to be a polite hostess but there were a lot of awkward silences.....

It went kinda like this:

Me: So, you work at Ceder Point?

Her: Yeah...

Me: Is that full time, or seasonal.

Her: Full time, there are about 150 employees who are full time and work year round.

Me: Oh, that's pretty cool.....

Her: Yeah......

AWKWARD SILENCE

Me: So.........anything new in your life since I saw you last.

Her: No (awkward laugh)

Me: Us either, our lives are pretty boring.

AWKWARD SILENCE

Me: Well I was glad to see that you and Tall Drink are still together

Her: Yeah - we're still together

Me: That's good.

AWKWARD SILENCE

Her: I'm going to go fill up my drink.


So there was our conversation. I always thought I had good conversation skills. Apparently I need to go back to school.

Finally I might be getting back into my blogging groove

I'll admit it. I haven't felt like blogging. I didn't have anything interesting or fun, or funny to share. Being on medication kinda of makes you content. Which can really be boring.

Plus I've been making some changes in my life. I've started to walk with God again. It's a slow process, because I have A LOT of changes to make. And I only have minimal support at home. But I am determined. It's a life long walk anyhow, so why rush it?

I went to the Women of Faith conference in Cleveland this weekend. It was good. It wasn't really what I expected. I'm not really sure what I expected. More information, more praise, deeper praise. More conversation. I take that back, I had plenty of conversations. More "deep - spiritual" conversations.

Then I came home. To a very uncontent husband. We talked about our weekend. Shared what had happened. I, of course, was exhausted. So I wanted to go to bed right after the kids, since I had church in the morning. He, however, wanted to go riding. At 10:00 at night.

Ummmm...ok. If you want to, go ahead, I'm going to bed.

So I went to bed. And he went riding. Where? I don't know. How long? I don't know. Did he see anyone? Hit the bars? He didn't share, and my pride won't let me ask.

I knew soemthing was up when he woke up full of energy in the morning. Ready to go. That's not normal for him.

Then, after church, he let me nap without a word, did the dishes after supper, straightened up the living room, and was in a GREAT mood. He even rubbed my feet for me. Which is very rare.

I wonder what he felt guilty about? I wonder if I even want to know.

An update from me...

Hello All!! I hope you've missed me as much as I've missed blogging. Unfortunately my partner here in my office is preparing for medical leave so the bulk of the office duties have been pushed onto me, making it very difficult to blog. And you have heard what my home life is like so....

Anyhow, I've had a lot going on. I've almost been fired. I've re-started my relationship and walk with God (and it's baby steps believe me) My kids have been exposed to chicken pox and I'm just waiting for one of them to get it, while keeping them quarantined from other kids.

I still need to get out my daughter's 4T and my son's 2T clothes, they are growing out of their 3T and 12 month clothes.

Baby boy's birthday is the 12, and I have no idea what I'm getting him, when I'm going to get it, or how we are going to celebrate.

I am in the process of training a temp to help me out when my work partner goes on medical leave for her hip surgery.

My marriage is just in a "blah" stage right now, nothing really interesting to report.

So bear with me, I'll try to get on more frequently to blog.

My heart is wrenched.....

I just finished a book called "Still Life with Husband" by Lauren Fox.

It's about a married woman who has always done the right thing, and then she meets this man, and decides to embark upon an affair.

I'm not going to go into to much detail, but I couldn't put this book down. My emotions went up and down with this novel. I don't know if it's because I related to the character from page one, or what exactly got me on this, but, damn. My heart is breaking and I'm done with the book. It's a gut wrencher.


It's very real and very true in regards to all aspects of friendships, marriages and family.

I highly recommend this book to everyone. This will be one I'll remember for a long, long time.

It's not like I was hiding it...

I'm a slob. I think I've made references to this before. It's not that I'm against neat and orderly things. If you were to see my desk and office at work, you would never believe I'm a snob.

At work, I have a place for everything, and everything in its place. I've very organized and can find what I need in a matter of seconds.

However, to see my true self you only have to look at my jeep. Even from the outside. I have mud splashed up the side. Clear up to the handle. And I don't really care.

If you open the doors, you will find a binder, a bit of trash, and lots of kids toys. Some cracker crumbs, and pop tart remains.

In the very back, I have a blanket, some bubble bath that fell out of the bag last shopping trip, a large box that contains my new mailbox, some kids clothes, a few things of oil, and an ice scraper.

So I don't really think about this, because this is me...this is how I am....

But Liza's cousin decided to help my daughter into her car seat last night, and the look on her face was total horror. She just kept saying...Countess?? Countess....what happened?

I just said, don't mind the mess....I have better things to do then stand in the freezing cold and clean my car out, or wash my car.

Man, that sounds wrong even to me.

So I went home and cleaned my living room and my kitchen....at 9:00 at night.....and I made my kids help.

No wonder I'm on medication - I've got issues

Can we say therapy?

From: Countess
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2008 8:06 AM
To: Sa Sa
Subject: Drama

Yeah….DH and I got into a huge fight last night, but not about that. Actually it wasn’t much of a fight, it was more me screaming and him sitting there with his head down. It’s still has no resolution, but I don’t think there is one…

From: Sa Sa
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2008 8:10 AM
To: Countess
Subject: Re: Drama


What was it about….and if he had his head down then that means you were probably really brutal!!

Liza wants to borrow the book club book?? If so than she should read it first b/c I’m not in the mood to read it yet!! I think I will read it the first week in April

From: Countess
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2008 8:06 AM
To: Sa Sa
Subject: Drama

Well, I had a lot of running I had to do yesterday. So I talked to him and asked him if he could get the kids. He said he didn’t think it would be a problem, but check with him later in the day. I talked to him at 2:30 p.m. I asked him if he could still get the kids, so I could take my time doing my errands. He said, no problem, I’m dropping this trailer right now, and then I’m leaving, so I’ll grab the kids.

Ok, fine.

I get home at 5:00, and he still hasn’t picked the kids up yet. WTF??? Now I’m pissed. So I call him, he’s like, I’m…I’m….I’m on my way….I’ll get them…I thought you had running to do?

I said YEAH, I FREAKING ALREADY DID ALL OF MY SHOPPING AT DRUG MART, AND BROWSED THE LIBRARY, AND STILL FREAKIN BEAT YOU HOME TO GET THE KIDS…

His response? Whatever….

So I said goodbye and hung up. I grab my kids, where SIL informs me that DH is out buying parts for HIS FREAKIN TRAILER. Ummm…hello. If you needed to buy parts for your trailer you should have told me, and I would have gone and got the kids….

So when he got home, he was like…so are you going to tell me what I did wrong? Because I don’t know why you are so upset.

WTF? You don’t know why I’m mad? Well I’ll tell you. I can’t fucking count on you….that’s what. All I ever fucking ask is for PEACE OF MIND that my children are taken care of. I don’t want them at SIL's any longer than what they have to be…and you, you fucking lie and tell me you are on the way to get the children, and I, who had errends to run, still fucking beat you home.

I’m tired of it. I’m tired of everything being whatever if fucking best for DH. DH makes all the decisions for everyone at the house, so that he isn’t inconvenienced. It’s always all about DH, and I’m fucking tired of it.

Then after a few moments of silence, I hear him talking on the phone to Cooter, about the parts he bought. Ummm excuse me. Bought some parts? I spent almost $300 in groceries (including my drug mart run) and our mortgage comes out on the 10th. I had just enough money in there to cover that, and gas for me for the week. Did he fucking think of that?? No, he just takes what he wants, and expects me to make it happen.

Well fuck that, I chewed him out about that too…

Then he put on his boots, and left with Cooter to go work on his trailer. He got home about 8:30, (probably so he didn’t have to put the kids to bed) Shortly after he got home, I asked him to shut everything down, and put the kids to bed, that I was tired from the time change….and I went to bed.

He said, you know I don’t like going to bed with this between us. I said, I don’t mind. I’m not angry anymore. I’m just tired….

And I went to sleep.


From: Sa Sa [mailto:Sarah.Howard@odrc.state.oh.us]
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2008 9:53 AM
To: Countess
Subject: RE: Drama


Wow…..yeah……I feel that your right to be angry….he always does this and then he gets mad if you aren’t home everyday “waiting” for him!! He doesn’t have a right to be…. I mean he is always doing something everyday!!

And I wouldn’t want your kids at SIL's more than what they have to either….I think Demon Nephew is a bad influence on Princess!!

And he knew that what he was doing was going to make you upset otherwise why didn’t he tell you what he was going to do…..or call you when it became 4:00 to say he was running late….and at 2:30 he was dropping the trailer off?? So it took him 3 hours to buy the parts?? He is so stubborn that I don’t think he is ever going to realize what he is doing is wrong in the relationship and instead of looking at what he is doing he is blaming you….like you are being too hard on him!! I mean I see some of the things that he says that you guys need to work on….but Your things are way more important and would create a bigger impact on the marriage!!

I can totally see your frustration….and I don’t know how you could approach it to DH b/c I’m not sure what would work….your sarcasm and hatefulness obviously isn’t working….although it gets him thinking for a minute (note: obviously just a minute if he wasn’t bothered by it that much….to call Cooter and get his mind back on that darn trailer instead of the problem at hand) and then when HE wanted to deal with it (at bed time) that is when he wanted you to talk about it….not (during the day when he could be out doing something) when the problem was on the table!!

I think you guys need to set a time where you can lay all the problems on the table and get them resolved….and that should be the 1st step and the 2nd step is to seek professional help!! Don’t make me call Dr. Phil!!

From: Countess
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2008 10:01 AM
To: Sa Sa
Subject: RE: Email


That’s just it. Anytime I bring up issues I get one of two responses. 1 is that I need to discuss my feelings with my Dr., because obviously my medication needs adjusted, or “I need to realize that he doesn’t enjoy what he is doing when he is out and about. It’s called work, and he is doing it to better our family”

How can I argue with that?

Also, in regards to him wanting me to be home waiting….not only does he want that, but he wants me home everyday, so that he isn’t hindered by the kids and can go do what he wants.


Do you think it’s a coincidence that his dump truck and his brat are only 2 seaters. Convenient that he can’t take both kids, isn’t it? Sometimes not even one kid, because he has someone else going with him.

I’ve suggested just that…us discussing our issues, and he is all for it, but I can’t ever seem to pin him down to a date and time.

From: Sa Sa [mailto:Sarah.Howard@odrc.state.oh.us]
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2008 10:17 AM
To: Countess
Subject: RE: Email

Yeah it’s like if he ignores the issues then there are none…..out of sight out of mind kind of thing!!

Well if he wants to pull the “What I am doing is to better our family” than all I can say to you is get something that you can say the same thing!! Than maybe he will realize that it sucks being cooped up in the house with the kids all of the time!! (but you would have to find something that brought in more money than say the skids!!)

But most of the time that I notice….he is doing something that he wants to do……..I mean how does it benefit the family if his trailer is in 100% working order…..do you guys use it a lot??

Maybe if you do the same things that he does…than he will realize what he is doing……..for example…..next time you get groceries make him stay home with the kids….and stay out for more than 2 hours!! Stuff like that!! Than maybe when he starts into you about how long you were out….and it shouldn’t take that long to go grocery shopping you can say….I decided to use "DH time"…..it sucks doesn’t it!!! Oh wait that’s hateful isn’t it…….hmmmm so it should be easy for you hahahahahahahahaha j/k



From: Countess
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2008 10:24 AM
To: Sa Sa
Subject: RE: Email

Been there, done that, and got “Whatever, why do you have to be such a bitch?”

I would love to be out there making the extra money, but I’m not going to pay a sitter…and DH just does what he wants and expects me to take care of the kids….

And regarding the trailer. That was my point exactly. I mean, he NEVER uses the bocat any place other than home, so why do we need the trailer fixed so bad?

Because his bobcat was stuck at Rachel Rays (ha ha) and he needed it home to unload skids..

Ummm..really, because last I checked he brought those home in a dump trailer, and just dumped them out…

Hmmmmm

See what I mean, I don’t see any positive solution…..so I don’t know what to do…

From: Sa Sa
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2008 10:47 AM
To: Countess
Subject: RE: Email


Yeah and he doesn’t want to listen to what he does that doesn’t make sense!! Like fixing the trailer “Right Now” when you guys only use it to haul the bobcat!! And you really don’t take the bobcat anywhere but around the house….usually.

From: Countess
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2008 10:57 AM
To: Sa Sa
Subject: RE: Email

To sum it all up, here are his issues, in no particular order:

1) Selfishness
2) Poor Time Management
3) Unable to prioritize
4) Does not help around the house, because he feels that his doing the wood is much more difficult than keeping up the house

So basically he wants a woman whose sole joy in life is to make her man comfortable and happy, to always be waiting for direction from him, to get his permission on attending classes, or groups, or joining any exercise classes, while working a full time job, and taking care of the kids, cooking dinner at a reasonable time each night, those dinners to be low calorie and have lots of interesting vegetable side dishes, so that he doesn’t have to think about portion control, keeping the house completely clean, feeding the dogs and giving the proper doses of medication, schedule and take all of the children to any and all doctor appointments, changing all poopy diapers, drop children off at day care and pick children up from day care, take off work when children are sick, and washing, drying, folding and putting away EVERYONEs clothes.


And if he so much as folds one washcloth or carries his own dish to the kitchen, he wants major kudos about what a GREAT husband he is, and that he knows that he does SOOOO much more than other men around him…



Then the e-mail went into convincing me to go into marriage counseling. Maybe I do need to...I dunno....

Dream Journal

My dear friends, I must record this dream, and as I forgot my journal at home, well here is my second choice.

The dream may bore you, but I think it has a lot of little details that I need to examine.

For anyone that can help interperate please post a comment with your thoughts.

The dream starts at my dad's old trailer, except its all beat up and falling apart. I'm walking out of the hallway into the kitchen. I see two small red tree frogs. I make a comment to my step mom like "how did they get in here, don't they hibernate?"

She just shrugged and I stepped over them. Then I turned around and saw that the frogs were swollen. I yelled to my dad "why are these frogs swollen?" He said "Its the maggots, watch they'll explode from them here in a minute"

I was like - but they are still alive!!

He said, yeah, but there isn't anything we can do. So I watched the frogs and they started to swell up even more, and then opened their mouths and spit out - POTATO CHIPS!!

I was like - Daaaddd....they spit potato chips!

He said, the maggots must not like the chips....

So then I go to sit down by him on the couch, leaving the swollen frogs in the kitchen.

When I sit down by him (the couch was even our old couch) I started coughing...then I started coughing up these little black round things...

One time when I coughed it landed on my dad's foot...

I apologized and he said....that's okay, but it looks like you have the maggots....

I was like, dang it....I guess I better go to the hospital.

Then all of the sudden we were in my grandma's house (which my aunt now lives in), but my dad lived in it.

I went upstairs to change my clothes for the hospital. The only thing I could find that fit was an old fashioned lace dress....so I put it on, but I didn't have any shoes, so I had to go barefoot. I remember feeling really embarrassed about it.

My step mom yells at me to come and watch the TV, it's talking about the maggots. Meanwhile, I'm coughing up these black things the whole time. I'm just coughing them into a towel.

There is a TV program on about how the maggots are a new breed, and they reside in everyone. However if you eat something that angers them or makes them feel threatened they stick their tail through your esophageus and throat and spikes come out. It's not painful, but can be deadly. When you cough, the black things that come out are the heads of just a small few of them.

Flash, I'm walking down some stairs into the hospital. I remember that I was still barefoot, but I wasn't wearing the dress. I was wearing jeans and t-shirt. There were 2 other girls with me, and in my dream I knew that we were friends, but I have no idea who they were.

The hospital looked like an old Walmart that had been sectioned off. No one would tell me where the emergency room was. Everytime I asked someone they said "does it look like I'm on break? Do I have my purse in here?"

Finally someone directed us, and on the way we passed a booth where they are selling jewelry. The one girl with me accidentally knocks off a display and necklaces go flying. All three of us scramble to pick up the necklaces and make sure they weren't broken in the fall. We gather them up and return them to the lady in the booth.

She says that we have to wait for them to be inspected to verify that no stones were missing, or that we didn't swap them for fakes. I told her I couldn't wait, that I had the maggots and I had to go to the emergency room. She said she didn't care, that we all had to wait.

So after awhile a guy produces this paper and declares this is one of the tests, that there are 3 more. I hand him my business card (which was from my old job) and tell him to call me if he needed me, that I had to go to the emergency room. I told the other girls to just meet up with me later.

So then I get to the emergency room and there are two old ladies checking people in.

She described to me the loan I can use to pay for my medical expenses. I told her I had insurance. She said that she doesn't know if they will accept insurance, that I had to sign to agree to the loan. I said - WHATEVER, I'll sign it, I just need to get rid of these maggots.

Then she wrote a book recommendation on top of my sign in sheet.

Then I went to wait. After waiting until past midnight, and decided to leave - because I had to go to work tomorrow....so I started to walk out, and I was torn between getting treated, and going to work. Then I hear them calling my name. I run back in, and they say, no we meant Countess Dorfen. I was like...oh...that's not me, but I'll stay. I need to find out how to get rid of these maggots.

Then my alarm went off.

Weird, weird weird - and no I wasn't watching animal channel, or medical anything before I went to bed. I watched my Flavor of Love that I had DVR'd...